|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
23 February 2010
BOSTON, Massachusetts -- The Massachusetts Legislature narrowly passed a measure outlawing possession of laser-eyed cats, Komodo dragons, and other potentially deadly animals without proper training and licensing from the State Board of Veterinary Impunity. The bill's proponents say it is aimed at preventing injury and death from improper handling of such dangerous fauna.
Retired hippie and southpaw Lars Kreegan campaigned against the bill for economic reasons. He told UnNews, "Last week my neighbor rented 3 laser-eyed cats and a Komodo to pull stumps from his back lot. That set him back $240, with him doing all of the work. If he'd had to hire a licensed professional, it would have run thousands (of dollars). The day you can't maintain your own property, well, I just never thought I'd live to see it."
- Larry Storch "Mass moves to regulate laser cats, other dangerous animals". Boston Globe, February 22, 2010