UnNews:Masonic Lodge to accept Met Police eagles
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Masonic Lodge to accept Met Police eagles
Where man always bites dog
Monday, August 21, 2017, 02:36:UTC)(
10 February 2015
LONDON, England -- The United Grand Lodge of England has taken steps to permit eagles of the Metropolitan Police to become Freemasons. The decision to accept feathered constables was taken to align the birds of prey with their human and canine counterparts.
The move comes after Met Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe employed 600 of the endangered predators to deal with the recent increase of inner-city petty crime. The concept follows the Netherlands police force, who have been deploying eagles successfully in Amsterdam against criminals who are especially high.
The eagle is not the first law enforcement animal to be welcomed to the hawkish Grand Lodge, as they started accepting police Alsatians during the mid 1980s. It was a successful move and from the outset, the furry members demonstrated a strong pack mentality and sense of hierarchy. Most of all, they enjoyed the metaphorical ceremonies — especially if there’s a biscuit in it for them at the end, much the same as their human colleagues.
Sergeant Sparky, a Senior Offsniffer from the Hammersmith canine division said: “The Metropolitan police have ratified feathered special constables, to work alongside beat canines for the purpose of maintaining order and discipline in the community. This has freed bipedal officers to focus on changing films in speed cameras; a vital traffic enforcement role unsuited to paws or talons. Entry into the Freemasons has been the next logical step towards full integration into the force, in what we hope will be a high-flying future as part of their local Lodge.”
However, Shadow Culture Secretary Maria Eagle is concerned that behind closed doors, another ‘cosy and comfortable’ relationship will develop between the feathered Freemasons and senior Masonic press vultures. She has demanded a revival of the Levison enquiry to investigate potential illeagle activity, focusing on ‘gerbils for stories’ type corruption. Unfortunately, almost all investigative birds are chicken when it comes to dealing with an eagle, except the owls, but they don’t seem to give a hoot and prefer to stay on the night shift.
A spokesman from the Grand Lodge explained that when the capital city’s Beak started employing eagles for law enforcement, the Freemasons were initially concerned the bird was too independent, a bit dangerous and their beady eyes, giant beak and uniform plumage made them look a lot like Judge Judy.
He added that a positive however, was their trouser legs, which are permanently rolled up, providing a clear sign to other Freemasons that the individual is an eagle; therefore falconry gloves are recommended to confer a Masonic Degree. Eagles are also atheists, non-political and very good at keeping the mice down.
- Patrick Barkham "Drone-fighting eagles – a reminder of nature’s superpowers". Guardian, February 8, 2016