UnNews:Mary Jo Kopechne's killer brought to justice
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Mary Jo Kopechne's killer brought to justice
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 1, 2015, 14:39:UTC)(
26 August 2009
Pandemonium, Hades - His Royal Lowness, Satan the Devil, Ruler of the Netherworld, welcomed the newest citizen today. The long awaited arrival of Senator Ted Kennedy, the philandering socialist killer of an innocent girl, was the most anticipated since 1945 when everyone was awaiting the arrival of Adolf Hitler.
"What a stirring legacy he leaves!", said Beelzebub, a lower echelon demon. "He taught several generations that if you hypocritically pose as an advocate of the poor, you too can get away with a life of alcoholism, lechery, adultery, fornication, and murder."
Beelzebub was referring to one of America's most shameful open secrets, that in 1969, Ted Kennedy - who like all Kennedys couldn't keep it in his pants to save his life, let alone a marriage, had sex with a young campaign worker, then killed her rather than face exposure or any semblance of responsibility. To be fair and balanced, his defenders say that he was too drunk to notice the fire department that he walked past after abandoning the woman in a car that he'd driven off a bridge, and his need to sleep it off prevented him from reporting the accident to the authorities until late the next day.
His family, true to form, and not wishing to throw stones while living in glass houses provided by the original founder of their shameful dynasty, Joseph "I love Hitler" Kennedy, is busy crying crocodile tears, while secretly glad that the overweight gluttonous Teddy managed to leave them something, before drinking it all away. "Frankly, I'm surprised he didn't drink it all away", said one of a dozen or so worthless heirs and extended relatives. "God knows he tried."
And apparently, Satan knew too. And already has a place prepared. The Ninth Level, Traitor's Hell, for those who betray others, such as Teddy's betrayal of his wife, his family, and the trust placed in him by the rather foolish residents of Massachusetts. "We knew he was coming soon when we heard the diagnosis", said Satan. "After all, it was a cancer eating his brain, so we knew it wouldn't be long."
The good news in all this is not only is a killer gone, but the supply of liquor in his home state has just shot up by 120%. As to the Kopechne family, there was never any closure for them. You see, Mary Jo was an only child, and her parents, Joseph and Gwen, died while seeing the killer of their daughter still alive and wealthy. Though to - again - be fair and balanced, he did receive a two-month suspended sentence for murdering her.