UnNews:Martin Luther King's tomb discovered
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Martin Luther King's tomb discovered
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 24, 2017, 10:37:UTC)(
30 October 2013
Professor Pharaoh P. Pyramid, overachieving since 2002 at "Cairo Muse" (a nickname given the Museum by film critics), joined the field's in-crowd when he decided to look for the tomb of America's Great King who, it was said and sometimes written, ruled the nation-state during its fabled 1960s era. Hoping to once and for all prove to the world that this King actually existed - yet actually suspecting that "Doctor King", like Drs Who, Watson, Doolittle, Jekyll, and Kevorkian before him, was a local myth developed to scare white children - Pyramid took on the arduous task of arranging an expedition to locate and catalog the burial site. He spent the first six months raising money, expectations, and supplies, and only then did he begin his field-search.
"I spent literally seconds looking for the tomb," Pyramid remembers. "When I arrived at its outer gates three days later I realized it was right where the witches at Wiccanpedia said it was, for King King's remains lay in the fabled Valley of the King's in Georgia. I'd gone out on a limb - recklessly acting against my own beliefs - to surmise in public that this tomb existed, and lo and behold, there it was!"
"When I walked into the area of the tomb, guided by arrows and kind National Park Staff," Professor Pyramid tried explaining, "I found a massive stone surrounded by water and tourists. I immediately cleared the area, laid out surveying tape and tools, and only after all was protectively roped-off did I take the time to show the clearly agitated National Park Police the proper permits from my government which allowed me to excavate the site. As they read through the documents, and everyone started calling people on walkie-talkies and increasingly ringing cell phones, I began the field work. First I made a paper-and-chalk rubbing of the tomb's frontal-hieroglyphs. Then, when all was properly prepared, measured, and photographed, I took hammer, chisel, and archeologist-strength 'tiller in hand and approached my discovery. The marble was solid, a societal tribute piece likely designed by a nationally-recognized stonesmith. But it eventually gave way due to my persistent and well-honed drilling skills. I was told that upon opening King King's tomb and popping my head in a lingering homeless man asked me either what the hell I was seeing or what the hell I was doing, and I was heard to say 'Wonderful things.'"
Pyramid entered the tomb first, followed by a kid from South Carolina eating an ice cream cone and then the curious homeless man currently looking for a new four-sided enclosure and obviously pretty excited by this one. When the light of day hit the sarcophagus - a solid coffin-like box later found to contain the mummified remains of Martin Luther King, Jr. - lots of research pictures were taken and posted on the Cairo Museum's website, Facebook account, and Twitter#Celebrity Archeologists.
According to National Park Police Chief, Eugenia Protectum, videotape taken at the scene in anticipation that it will later be used at an expected United Nations Security Council meeting, a World Court trial, and a Discovery Channel special, shows Professor Pyramid quickly securing the nearly intact sarcophagus and searching the tomb for, in his words, "Gold masks, earthen jars, chariots, and other decorative ornaments." Within a few minutes Professor Pyramid reported his preliminary results to the Egyptian government, which then gave him permission to carry the remains and artifacts back to Egypt where they will be studied and put on permanent display.
Pyramid told a hastily assembled news conference that the tomb of King Martin Luther King also contained many artifacts, including the body of his concubine, Coretta, six handmaidens, a miniature silver-bonded partridge in a pear tree, and a very limited edition "World's Greatest Dad/Freedom Fighter" coffee mug.