UnNews:Mark Zuckerberg updates status to 'married'
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Mark Zuckerberg updates status to 'married'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 17, 2017, 17:39:UTC)(
20 May 2012
Palo Alto, California, U.S.A -- When the thousands of dedicated Facebook fanatics logged in to see the latest social updates on their computer screens, they were at first shocked, then surprised, then shocked again, then over the moon to see the grand high fuhrer of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, had updated his status from "bored and lonely" to "married and keen for some hot Asian ass." Since it is well known that simply posting something on Facebook is the most efficient way to spread rumours, you shan't be surprised to hear that most of Zuckerburgs twelve-thousand-and-something followers heard about this before most of the world's leading media outlets.
Whilst most of the very selective people on the guest lists were "naww"ing, eating wedding cake and drinking wine older than they are, sad and lonely gold-diggers around the world wept as another young and impressionable billionaire tied the knot. This reporter's advice? Lower your standards—with any luck, you might find a bored accountant with no plans for the future or having a family.
The world's leading "packs of ravenous wolves that would ruin any life to make a dishonest buck" have already started queuing up to see who will get first-hand rights to the inevitable first baby interview, which will be held in approximately nine months and one day's time. But this reporter is one step ahead of those reporters who are actually paid and professional. He guesses that we'll see a young, healthy baby who looks exactly like his daddy. Of course, only time will tell, but, if I've learned anything from movies, that's the way it always is. I, for one, wish them all the best and hope Mark's status stays exactly where it is!