UnNews:Mark Zuckerberg is a fecalpheliac!
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Mark Zuckerberg is a fecalpheliac!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 5, 2016, 21:39:UTC)(
12 January 2014
Palo Alto, California - Authorities were called to the Zuckerberg compound early this morning when a pizza delivery man that wishes to remain nameless notified them of some disturbing noises coming from inside one of the 29 year old Facebook entrepreneur's guest mansions, but when they got there a cleaning crew was already loading their equipment in the Zuckerbergs' main driveway. Some readers may remember back in June of 2013 when Mark made headlines for picking up dog poop on the street in Atherton, and again later that year in downtown Menlo Park. What he would do with that dog poop was a shocking discovery here at UnNews headquarters in Milpitas.
A close family confidant told UnNews,
|“||It's the taste of it he enjoys the most. First he warms it up a bit in the microwave. Not too long, only about 10 or 15 seconds. Then, he stirs in milk and adds a touch of honey. I won't try it, but he swears it tastes like a melted blended PayDay. You know, the candy bar?||”|
Apparently it's not just dog poop but any meat-eating animal feces and some human defecation as well, although Mark told our informant that he prefers the texture of crap when it comes from a strict carnivorous diet, hiring several of the nation's top pet nutritionists to make sure his canines poop nothing but the best pâté patties. When he can, he eats the poos directly from the dogs' butts and then just takes a sip of milk with honey in it for a 'de-constructed' effect. Also, he sometimes uses elaborate devices to keep the poop warm and moist, so it stays fresh. Recently he was reported in China where he invested $5,000,000 in the development of a high-tech solar-powered dog diaper that can text you as soon as fresh dookie is available; like that would even be useful for anything other than collecting dog shit, or some sort of sick fecal-ingestion fetish. But this morning the boy billionaire took his poo-loving escapades to a whole new level.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
Rumors of Mark's shit-eating first surfaced about three months ago, when Mark Yelped that a reuben from Refuge 'ain't shit' compared to his homemade turds. He later posted on his wall that he would retract that statement, but only if the Refuge gave him free delivery for life. They don't even deliver, you have to use a third-party courier, is he crazy? Last month, Randi Zuckerberg, Mark's less-talented older sister made a live appearance on the Today show, divulging a family recipe for moon pies. Gross, dinner with the Zuckerbergs must be disgusting, I bet his wife must be the one ordering pizza all the time.
What started as a routine check on a domestic disturbance call quickly turned ugly for local police officers when they witnessed the social-networking giant in front of his estate, chasing after one of the neighborhood strays. Mark appeared to be in a state of frenzied panic, screaming at the officers,
|“||Good thing you're here! Quick, call Animal Protection! Help me catch this dog!||”|
Responding Lieutenant Bob Ploppermann was not sure what to make of his demands;
|“||Mr. Zuckerberg was half-naked, wearing only a plaid bathrobe and carrying one of his blue plastic baggies. That could have been a very dangerous situation. We had to take necessary precautions in order to safely investigate. After properly subduing and securing Mr. Zuckerberg we were able to ask him some questions and piece together what happened.||”|
Given Mark's public infatuation with dog poop and previous domestic disturbance calls, the cops knew what they might find, but they had no idea how far the Palo Alto pillar had been going in order to indulge his growing feces addiction. Unfortunately, the lieutenant didn't want tell us much more than that. The Police Department will issue a full statement regarding their findings within the next few days. In the meantime, they recommend you go back to using Myspace until Mark stops worrying about dog poop and cleans up his act.
When UnNews pressed Zuckerberg for a comment on the incident in question, our call was rerouted to Facebook's publicist's voicemail. We left a message but have yet to receive a call back. However, Mark tweeted just a few hours ago that he didn't feel it was necessary to explain himself to poor people, "..I am an extremely busy man. UnNews should Google Facebook and take a number."
He is obsessed, we're pretty sure he means a number two.