UnNews:Mark Webber is rubbish, says Australian Formula One champ

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8 August 2006

Webber
"Does my ass look silly in this?", asked Mark Webber yesterday.

MELBOURNE, Australia, GNN (GOANNA NEWS NETWORK) --Four or five-time Formula One champion Brent "Potato" Couchman has described fellow Australian F1 driver Mark Webber as "absolute rubbish" and suggested he "chuck in the F1 caper before he embarrasses himself any further".

Couchman, who appears little more than a sofa-bound PlayStation and Xbox addict, but who in fact thoroughly pantsed Michael Schumacher on his way to winning "four or five" Formula One championships for the McLaren team in the late 1990s, said that Webber should "stand in front of the mirror and take a good, hard look at himself - he will see a dead-set goose."

Couchman said that he had never been particularly impressed by the lantern-jawed laughing stock, but had bitten his tongue "through to the bone" rather than say a bad word about him.

But, having watched Webber fail to finish nine of the 13 races so far this season - his second-lap exit at last weekend's Hungarian Grand Prix was his fourth "did not finish" result in as many races - Couchman decided to break his silence.

"Four DNFs on the trot is beyond a joke. And he can't keep blaming the car any more. My first car was a beat-up old XC Falcon with a dodgy water pump, a shitty starter motor and a ropey three-speed automatic transmission that leaked like a sieve, but I still drove the bastard to Sydney and Adelaide and back. He's got a Formula One car - what's his problem?"

Couchman, who quit Formula One on a high and went on to win "maybe two or three" World Rally Championships and several Australian V8 Supercars titles before focusing on touring-car competitions run by Polyphony Digital and Forza Motorsport, said he was amazed that Webber hadn't at least won the Brazilian Grand Prix.

"From what I remember, Brazil was the easiest because there was this part where you could go cross-country and overtake about 20 cars," he said. "Of course, you had to have the damage level set to 'cosmetic'. "

"In any case, I hate to say this, but I think Mark should go back to racing Honda Civics or go-karts or wherever the hell he came from."

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