UnNews:Mark Twain's "A sweltering day in Australia" decoded

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11 June 2007

Cape Canaveral, 10.06.2007 – Yesterday, Nasa's scientists worked together with a team of Biologists and Linguists, to decode Mark Twain's "A sweltering day in Australia".

The Nasa and it's team found out, that the words didn't only have a meaning in Aborigine or English, but in Acetylseryltyrosylserylisoleucylthreonylserylprolylserylglutaminphenylalanylvalylphenylalanylleucylserylserylvalyltryptophylalanylaspartylprolylisoleucylglutamylleucylleucylasparaginylvalylcysteinylthreonylserylserylleucylglycylasparaginylglutaminylphenylalanylglutaminylthreonylglutaminylglutaminylalanylarginylthreonylthreonylglutaminylvalylglutaminylglutaminylphenylalanylserylglutaminylvalyltryptophyllysylprolylphenylalanylprolylglutaminylserylthreonylvalylarginylphenylalanylprolylglycylaspartylvalyltyrosyllysylvalyltyrosylarginyltyrosylasparaginylalanylvalylleucylaspartylprolylleucylisoleucylthreonylalanylleucylleucylglycylthreonylphenylalanylaspartylthreonylarginylasparaginylarginylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylvalylglutamylasparaginylglutaminylglutaminylserylprolylthreonylthreonylalanylglutamylthreonylleucylaspartylalanylthreonylarginylarginylvalylaspartylaspartylalanylthreonylvalylalanylisoleucylarginylserylalanylasparaginylisoleucylasparaginylleucylvalylasparaginylglutamylleucylvalylarginylglycylthreonylglycylleucyltyrosylasparaginylglutaminylasparaginylthreonylphenylalanylglutamylserylmethionylserylglycylleucylvalyltryptophylthreonylserylalanylprolylalanylserinish, the language of the Tobacco Mosaic Virus as well.

The actual meaning Twain gave the poem wasn't the "original":

"The Bombola faints in the hot Bowral tree,
Where fierce Mullengudgery's smothering fires
Far from the breezes of Coolgardie
Burn ghastly and blue as the day expires;

And Murriwillumba complaineth in song
For the garlanded bowers of Woolloomooloo,
And the Ballarat Fly and the lone Wollongong
They dream of the gardens of Jamberoo;

The wallabi sighs for the Murrubidgee,
For the velvety sod of the Munno Parah,
Where the waters of healing from Muloowurtie
Flow dim in the gloaming by Yaranyackah;

The Koppio sorrows for lost Wolloway,
And sigheth in secret for Murrurundi,
The Whangeroo wombat lamenteth the day
That made him an exile from Jerrilderie;

The Teawamute Tumut from Wirrega's glade,
The Nangkita swallow, the Wallaroo swan,
They long for the peace of the Timaru shade
And thy balmy soft airs, O sweet Mittagong!

The Kooringa buffalo pants in the sun,
The Kondoparinga lies gaping for breath,
The Kongorong Camaum to the shadow has won,
But the Goomeroo sinks in the slumber of death;

In the weltering hell of the Moorooroo plain
The Yatala Wangary withers and dies,
And the Worrow Wanilla, demented with pain,
To the Woolgoolga woodlands despairingly flies;

Sweet Nangwarry's desolate, Coonamble wails,
And Tungkillo Kuito in sables is drest,
For the Whangerei winds fall asleep in the sails
And the Booleroo life-breeze is dead in the west.

Mypongo, Kapunda, O slumber no more
Yankalilla, Parawirra, be warned
There's death in the air!
Killanoola, wherefore
Shall the prayer of Penola be scorned?

Cootamundra, and Takee, and Wakatipu,
Toowoomba, Kaikoura are lost
From Onkaparinga to far Oamaru
All burn in this hell's holocaust!

Paramatta and Binnum are gone to their rest
In the vale of Tapanni Taroom,
Kawakawa, Deniliquin - all that was best
In the earth are but graves and a tomb!

Narrandera mourns, Cameron answers not
When the roll of the scathless we cry
Tongariro, Goondiwindi, Woolundunga, the spot
Is mute and forlorn where ye lie."

But farmore:

"The fart splodges indigo paint on the bow,
Where delicious Jelly Mr. Smother fires,
Far he must go to find a new job,
And pay for the mess as the day expires.

So a mumbling dumbass complains to a thong,

That he's lost his grandma's wooly poo,
And the flying Fly flies flying by
And dreams of a leg in the garden loo.

I don't wanna be such a wallering bee,
But a mouldy sip of the Ganges bed,
Where the sickening waters from Aberdeenshire
Go splishy and sploshy and you drop down dead.

The Coofficer eats a wooden path,
And then he eats a minister quick.
Later he refuses to take a nice bath
To stop his wife from sucking his dick.

The tea-eating rumour likes Jonathan's blade
And deepthroats his brothers giant thing.
While up to the Everest nobody it's [it has] made,
But everyone can though the Alphabet sing.

The buffalo lays his pants in the sun
And Kongo's parents stand gasping at breasts.
The mighty angel flies crying for mum
Whilst wannabe knights try to find a few quests.

In the wacky hurl of the Lufthansa plane
The boy who cried wolf so lonely dies,
And President Bush goes fucking insane,
While the orange-green moon continues to rise.

Sweet Nancy's desolate coo waits for guests,
And the tongue-killing Quiche fights for it's sleep.
The wannabe knights have found their quests
And Mr. Smother now farms some sheep."

The other verses seem to be fake and added on later, because they don't seem to have any meanings in the TMV language.

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