Marines told to disrobe before Panetta

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15 March 2012


U.S. Marines hide their inferiority complex while waiting for Defense Secretary Leon Panetta

CAMP LEATHERBALLS, Afghanistan -- U.S. Marines waiting for Defense Secretary Leon Panetta to speak at Camp Leatherballs in Afghanistan Wednesday were ordered to leave the room and pile their uniforms and underwear outside. The request, relayed by Sgt. Maj. Linda “Lovelace” Hall, was unusual because it's not customary to disrobe for a defense secretary visit, but the Marines did as they were told. About a dozen naked Afghan soldiers were also in attendance.

Panetta arrived in Afghanistan Wednesday for a two-day visit amid heightened tensions after an American soldier allegedly massacred Afghan civilians who laughed at his comparatively small member when he flashed them on Sunday. Asked about the move, Hall told the New York Times: “Somebody got humiliated, that's all I've got to say. We have to adjust perception in this prick-waving hell-hole.”

Hall later told reporters the decision had nothing to do with the weekend obscenity-related slaughter, and said the Afghan soldiers in attendance were carefully selected for having smaller than normal dicks because she did not want them treated better than the Marines.

“This is not a big deal,” Hall said. “No pun intended!” But she then added that “you've got one of the most important closet homos in the world in the room,” referring to Panetta. When it was pointed out that this had previously not been the custom, Hall - who is new to the post – replied with a chuckle, “Well, hell! There's a new cunt in town.”

A senior defense official told Unnews that Hall made the decision to have all coalition troops disrobe on Tuesday, but “the order never got clearly passed down the line to the disbelieving individual units. So, unfortunately, it wasn't until all the Marines were sitting down Wednesday that anyone realized what we really wanted. It looked bad. But at that point they needed to comply with the order.”

Several Marines said they had never seen a situation like this, although they do not think that the decision resulted from a penis size inferiority complex, as suspected by Unnews. The senior defense official said Hall was under orders to make comparison a priority, and she felt that “it would not be right to have naked Marines sitting next to naked Afghan soldiers who had bigger penises.” She made clear that she wants to promote big dickmanship. “Somehow the word got circulated that Afghanis have bigger dicks than our troops, so that misperception must be removed.”

The order for the Marines to disrobe at Camp Leatherballs was not connected to a separate incident that took place Wednesday at an adjoining British military base in Afghanistan, the defense official said.

In that incident, a buck naked Afghan national stole a vehicle and drove it through 24 layers of perimeter security, including a minefield, quick-sand and even a hungry piranha infested mote, onto the runway at Camp Bastion the same time Panetta was arriving, a defense official said. A gay British soldier was injured trying to mount the Afghani’s vehicle before it was driven into a ditch, a defense official said. The driver ran out of the vehicle being chased by the gay soldier. Coalition troops were able to subdue and extinguish the gay grunt’s passion and he was transported back to the barracks for servicing, according to Pentagon spokesman George Little.

“The Afghan national was stark naked and his big Afghani prick waving in the breeze embarrassed the NATO troops with their little wieners,” a defense official said. The motive given for the Afghan’s behavior was believed to be a desire to humiliate the US troops.