UnNews:Marijuana butter shown to get kids high
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Marijuana butter shown to get kids high
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 18:40 (UTC)
21 June 2006
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WALTER REED ARMY HOSPITAL, Bethesda, Maryland -- In a 70 year, 6.2 billion dollar study, medical researchers have established indisputable evidence that Marijuana butter gets kids high. These results come on the heels of a blossoming international conspiracy to get American kids high, thereby gaining a further advantage in the global "Smartyness Race". Since the early 1970's, standardized test scores in Japan, most of Europe, and Southeast Asia have been on a steady rise, while American students cannot add simple figures in their heads or read a newspaper without help from Sesame Street reruns. Indeed, it baffles many policy analysts from other countries as to why, for example, Americans continue to allow Dick Cheney to play hide-the-sausage with their national integrity.
In the 1980's, the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, or NORML, began to campaign for legislation supporting medical use as a foot-in-the-door technique to further their communist ambitions. When a controversial paper titled, "Smelly Hippies Should Just Shut Up", Dr. Col. Regenitor Palladium wrote, "The most efficient solution to the hippie problem is to draw from history and enact a plan modeled on "The Final Solution". Knowing the bastard liberals in Congress would never pass such a law, we must consider alternatives such as "Peace and Love" camps, and drilling in to the minds of every youngster that marijuana is a gateway drug; a gateway to worse drugs, repugnant behaviour and smelliness." Unfortunately, Dr. Col Palladium beacame associated in the minds of a liberal-pwnd Congress with Dr. Strangelove, when he unfortutiously delivered his paper to Congress the day after the release of Dr. Strangelove in 1988.
Among the many countries hoping to augment the national decline of collective American intelligence (as opposed to Intelligence) is little-known Latvia. The seeds of capitalism in the back-country are cannibis seeds. A popular anonymous source for drug-crazed hippies on the internet writes:
“Latvians love it (marijuana butter). And unlike the soft drug cannabis, it's legal.
- "Only seeds are used for cannabis butter. The narcotic substance tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) is in the resin and blossoms," Janis Strazdins, a narcologist, told AFP.”
"Of course, this is complete bullshit. It is imperative that we defoliate as much of the Americas as need be, to stamp our this curse, marijuana", said drug czar John P. Walters, in a speech responding to Mr. Strazdins' comment. "And those dirty Latvians are trying to kill two birds with a hand in the bush." It is believed he was refering to marijuana butter being a boost to Latvia's economy and the supposed effect of turning high school jock morons into dirty, smelly, hippie morons, thereby making even Latvia look like a brain trust. Shortly afterwards Mr. Walters was fired as Director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy.
- Dr. Col. Regenitor Palladium. B.S., M.D., Ph.D., Th.D., Double-D "[www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov Smelly Hippies Should Just Shut Up]". Sexually Screwed-up Americans Press, May 15, 2006