UnNews:Marie Osbourne Suicide Ruled "Cute"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||UnFair and UnBalanced|
3 August 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Osbourne, part of the singing Osborne Family featured on MTV's "Real World," hung herself Tuesday morning from her large, canopied bed using a beautiful rope made out of French lace. She was dressed in a darling little pair of blue and pink pastel pajamas decorated with images of large-eyed, yawning kittens, exclaiming, "I'm a sweepy widdle kitty."
L.A. County Coroner, Dr. Jeremy Falsch, said, "It was really quite adorable the way she was just hanging there like a cute little puppet you just wanted to cuddle. She even had a lovely veil over her face to hide her swollen, black tongue and bloated face. She always tried to look her best."
Osbourne first gained notoriety in the early 1970s when she co-hosted the "Danny and Marie Show," with her brother, Danny Osborne. She continued to perform constantly over the next several decades, and in her spare time she gave birth to 17 children, many of them twins and triplets. In the past few years, Marie has shown signs that she was not feeling well. Her last CD was entitled, "Life is a Constant Horror and I Wish I Was Dead in the Cool, Cool Ground."
Upon hearing the news of Marie's suicide, the Osbourne family had to be told twice, because there are approximately 35 other Maries in the large, Mormon, Osbourne family, and they had a hard time remembering which one she was. Patriarch of the family, Ozzy Osbourne, bit the head off a gerbil to express his sadness.