UnNews:Manuel II Palaiologos blasts backpedaling pope
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
25 September 2006
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BYZANTIUM, Constantinople: Manuel II Paleologus has entered the fray in the ongoing furor over the pope's recent speech, in which he briefly quoted the former byzantine emperor's writings concerning Islam.
"My words were and still are true" said the elderly former world leader. "My only regret is that I lacked the political and military acumen of your great leader, Bush II, in fighting the followers of Mahmood. Shame on the Pope for showing weakness within the sight of the enemies of Christ."
The emperor's return to the world stage after nearly six hundred years took most political analyists by surprise; Emperor II Paleologus, however, merely explained that his kitten huffing regimen had done wonders in preserving his body and spirit, and that while he normally tried to stay out of the public and political spotlight, he felt that he could be silent no longer considering recent world events.
"I know most of you are too young to know this" said the emperor, "but take away your lightening boxes and great noisy metal birds and such, it's really quite remarkable how little things have changed since I was in power. It really warms my heart to see that you're all fighting the same war I was fighting 600 years ago. And they say you modern types don't respect the old traditions . . . you've sure proven me wrong!"
Critics have claimed that the emperor has been disingenous in returning to the public stage at this time and is just trying to draw attention to his new codex, How Emperor Manuel II Paleologus Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life, which is rumored to have been heavily plagarized, likely as a result of the emperor's unfortunate lack of familiarity with modern intellectual property laws.
"This has nothing to do with my book, which is a whirlwind romance based on my real life experiences." commented the emperor, attempting to refute the charges. "Any similar passages between my writing and another book were completely unintentional and unconscious. And I'll have anyone who disagrees with me executed."
Reaction to this recent development is as yet unclear, but Ferenc Gyurcsán, the embattled prime minister of Hungary has gone on record, noting "Holy fucking shit, this shit is damn fucked up" which was translated by the BBC as "What an absobloodylute load of cack!"