UnNews:Manson to cut hair on Death Row
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Manson to cut hair on Death Row
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 16, 2018, 07:06:UTC)(
17 May 2009
SAN QUENTIN STATE PRISON, California -- Within the walls of one of the largest prisons in the world, there was today a smile which wasn't brought about by a God complex, the successful murder of a fellow inmate or even a letter from home; it was simply one man living his dream. Pop sensation Charles Manson, whose debut album Lie: The Love and Terror Cult is on the shelf of nearly all homes of Hollywood Stars, has been granted the opportunity to follow up one of his earliest childhood dreams. Judge Atkins Tate today passed an order to allow Manson the opportunity to cut the hair of inmates who are awaiting execution. Inmates such as the Night Stalker - Richard Ramirez are especially pleased at the news, "Well it's about time, that's all I can say." Ramirez, who has never actually met Manson but has communicated with him through a series of notes passed via guards spoke highly of his fellow inmate, "The thing is Charlie knows what kind of people we are, how we like to be spoken too and how we like to be touched. Although we can have fun with the guys that the prison employs to cut our hair, with Charlie it'll be more like a family member or friend. It'll spark good memories in me, for sure."
Hairdressing will now make its way onto Manson's already impressive CV which he was been working on since the beginning of his incarceration, it is thought that he is already making several thousands of dollars each month by embedding Swastikas into the foreheads of fellow inmates - a scar which Manson inflicted on himself some time ago.
Many people have called for the decision to be revoked, feeling that due to the nature of Manson's crime, this sort of responsibility would not be catered for correctly in his hands. Members of the Supreme Court spoke out to defend Judge Tate. "With this ruling we do not wish to suggest that the crime which was originally committed by Charles Manson was at all a minor offense. Running with scissors is something which the state of California looks down on, not with a tissue, but with a fluorescent orange jumpsuit and chains." After Manson's initial arrest, which took place thirty years ago, many parents spoke out against his actions calling them "irresponsible and childish". Although he is more than enthusiastic to talk, little of what Charles Manson says makes sense, largely due to a speech impediment he has suffered from since birth, and so as a result his lawyers have been reluctant to release any comment from him or on behalf of him. "Although we have spoken to Charles and are aware that he is very pleased at the news of his triumph and looks forward to his work, we have only been able to determine these responses through his actions as he is yet to form sentences with any recognisable structure."
It is widely thought by several professional psychiatrists that Manson has reverted to a childlike state and that with his difficulties when speaking he has created his own language, mostly phonetic and has been compared to Grammelot an onomatopoeic language created by Theatre Practitioner, Dario Fo, an open supporter of Manson's music.
It is clear that the government are keen on allowing Manson to take up this extra curricular activity and are expecting a statement of thanks, which they will release, within a couple of weeks.
- Jamie Doward "Murderer wins fight to get state to pay for his haircuts". Guardian Online, May 17, 2009