UnNews:Mandy is a Whore
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Mandy is a Whore
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 5, 2016, 16:40:UTC)(
12 August 2008
Stephanie's sweet 16-
So, I'm at Steph's birthday party, right? And I'm wearing this adorable red dress from BCBG. And I look really, really good, because I'm wearing this new lip gloss that's supposed to plump your lips, and I look so totally Angelina. So anyway, I'm sitting here, flirting with Kevin Joslinger, and who walks in? Mandy FUCKING Crenshaw. And who's on her arm? My FUCKING ex-boyfriend.
She's just chatting away like I didn't break up with him two days ago. And as usual, she's dressed like Brooke Hogan, in some tight DENIM vest and the same FUCKING dress I had on. And HEELS. I know. She is such a whore. And Nick Mann, my ex, was just eating her up. That's why we broke up in the first place. Because he was always like looking at her, and I would always be like why do you look at such slutty whores all the time? And he'd be like, because you don't put out. And I'd be like, well if you don't want someone who respects herself, then maybe you don't deserve me. I mean, I'm captain of the cheerleading team. That bitch Mandy was always so jealous of me. But the reason she's probably such a whore is because she's a freshman and she wants attention, and she wants people to like her. So that's why she got her dad, who is news anchor Tad Crenshaw on channel 66, to pay for those tits of hers.
So I look over at Kevin and go, just a second, k? And he's like whatever, so I get up and go over to Mandy. I'm like, you're a fucking whore, you know that? Nick only wants you for sex because he's a fucking whore too. And she's like, you know what, you're just bitter because he dumped you. Oh, I was pissed. It was so on. Because EVERYBODY knows I dumped Nick, because I told Kristy Snow, who's the biggest gossip on the squad, and she must have told at least 60 people by now.
So then Stephanie makes her big entrance, and we're all clapping, when out of the corner of my eye I see that fucking whore Mandy stick her tongue down Nick's throat, and like, grab his dick outside of his pants. And then I hear Kevin go, oh no she did not. So I shoved that bitch ho into Steph's cake. I turned to Steph, and I go, look Steph, I'm really sorry. And she was like, it's ok, because Mandy is a fucking whore.
Hell yeah she is!
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|