UnNews:Mandelson blames Starbucks for the state of UK's Economy
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Mandelson blames Starbucks for the state of UK's Economy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 21, 2017, 06:48:UTC)(
18 February 2009
New York, USA Unable, it seems, to keep his poker face any longer, Peter Mandelson broke down yesterday while at a cocktail reception in New York. The event happened shortly after Starbucks announced there would be a further 300 of their stores closing. For the past four or five months it has been thought that Starbucks was immune to the recession that England, along with europe and further afield, has been suffering from.
"How could this be?" the distraught Mandelson had asked aloud. The reception had been open to journalists and nosey parkers alike who had spent the majority of the evening standing by the buffet table, talking amongst themselves and being too afraid to approach the diplomats. A witness described them as suddenly "bursting into action, snapping pictures, scrawling notes on their notepads and generally wetting themselves with excitement" following the outburst from the Business Secretary.
"How the fuck are we meant to survive without our coffee?" He screamed at the widescreen television which had just announced the news, "I want to speak to Schultz, immediately!" Howard Schultz, the current chairman of the company, informed UnNews that he could have broken the news a little easier.
"I feel as though I should apologise for such a direct address yesterday in my interview with BBC News. With the responsibility of providing the world with caffeine and pastries comes the need for commitment and the willingness to make important decisions. I would like to take a moment to apologise to the Business Secretary, Peter Mandelson, as I know this decision will have hit him the hardest and would like to reassure him that as long as is physically possible we will be able to provide him with the tuna and sweetcorn baguettes along with the countless Americanos which help him run the country at the standard that it needs."
It is unsure if Mr Mandelson is aware of this apology at this time however it is thought that he will be checking his subscription to UnNews sometime today.
- Andrew Clark "Peter Mandelson launches tirade at Starbucks boss over attack on UK economy". Guardian Online, February 18, 2009