UnNews:Manchester United Football Club stare into the abyss and blink
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Manchester United Football Club stare into the abyss and blink
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 26, 2016, 21:57:UTC)(
23 April 2014
MANCHESTER, United Kingdom -- Trophy-winning (until this season) Manchester United Football Club are looking for a new manager after sacking the scowling David Moyes as manager for being a 'loser Jock' this season.
With fans protesting the team's abysmal performance and a dropping share price, the club's owners — the Glazer Family — parted company with Glaswegian-born Moyes by filling his football boots in concrete and dropping him in the Manchester Ship Canal. Now the club are looking for a new coach — but no Scot will be allowed to apply.
The club's legendary manager for 1000 years, Sir Alex 'Red Nose' Ferguson, is being unofficially blamed for recommending Moyes. Another veteran footballer on the board of Manchester United, Bobby Charles, said Moyes turned out to be "thicker than Wayne Rooney, but without the ability to score a goal."
"Manchester United have long had a tradition of incomprehensible Scottish managers. Sir Matt Busby was the first in the 1950s and 1960s, and then we had Sir Alex to baffle the players with his instructions. So employing David Moyes was just another example of keeping to this tradition. Now that has ended — and about time."
Manchester United's series of defeats against arch-rivals Liverpool, Manchester City, and the Salford City Tea Ladies Reserve Eleven was the final straw. Now the Glazers are looking for a manager who is a fluent speaker of English but without a Scottish accent. The team is currently being coached by veteran player Ryan Giggs, who has been at the club since he was a boy. Giggs, who plays for Wales at international level, has won many trophies. He was a prolific goal scorer, being especially successful at home games with his then sister-in-law and away-game encounters with model Imogen Thomas, until his wife found out and Thomas flogged the story to the Tabloid Press.
David Moyes is currently in the Witless Protection Programme until he ends up in a new job in football management or as a washed-up commentator on a sports channel.