UnNews:Man suspects that his die is broken
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Man suspects that his die is broken
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 30, 2016, 10:41:UTC)(
4 January 2008
PLAINSVILLE, Kansas — A Kansas resident, who wishes to remain anonymous, was playing a simple game of Monopoly with his family and close associates. when he realized something shocking: that the die he was playing with was, in fact, broken.
"Every time we rolled that dice, it landed on 'one'," the man announced in a statement to the press, "meaning that the game lasted forever. No one really likes Monopoly anyway. I mean, come on. But my inability to pass go and collect $200 frequently just made it, like, beyond boring."
The man tested the dice by rolling it constantly and, sure enough, it landed on one without fail. The man brought it to a local stuffy intellectual math-type guy, who conducted a study where he rolled the die one thousand times. Each time he rolled a one.
"The problem with this dice is that we have absolutely no clue if it always rolls a one, or whether this is simply the most unlikely succession of die-rolling in the history of all dicekind."
The intellectual also noted that the die was in no "loaded":
"I detected no alcohol content. The die is certainly not a cheat die, commonly reffered to as 'loaded die'." When the intellectual was told that that was a different definition of "loaded", he replied in a huff, "My job is statistical analysis of probability. I don't have time to keep track of all your youthful teen-aged slanguage."
The die has been sent to NASA.
UPDATE: It appears that the case of the broken die has been solved. It turns out the die was, in fact, one-sided. However, its one-sidedness was not achieved the conventional way, with a sphere.
"No, it wasn't a sphere," NASA scientist Eugene F. Kranz confirms, "Rather, the die was literally one-sided. Imagine, if you will, a coin that is perfectly flat. It has two sides, and flipping this coin will result in 50/50 odds of landing on either side. Now, imagine that coin only has a heads side, and the tails is in a vacuous state of non-existence. That is what this die is."
The owner of the die successfully sued Parker Brothers, publishers of the game of Monopoly and a wholly owned subsidiary of Hasbro, for a staggering 2.3 billion in Monopoly play money, or about $12 in US dollars.