|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
9 April 2008
AMERICA, USA -- Last week, a new frontier in medicine was reached when former soldier Nick Chenevert was hit by a car, plummetted off a bridge 30 feet to the ground, and survived to tell the tale. Upon arriving at the hospital, Chenevert was shot in the head by Dr. Elise Ma, who was simply "not in the mood" to treat his wounds.
Elise speaks out about her decision to shoot Mr. Chenevert: "I saw him being wheeled in, with several limbs broken and a concussion, and I thought, 'damn, this is going to take at least an hour, and I want to get home and watch Scrubs!'" She was highly perplexed by this dilemma for several minutes.
Then, the solution hit her: "The other doctors and I could simply kill him! After all, he should have died anyway from such a huge fall, the little creep. So I asked a nurse to bring in a pistol for us, and we blew the little bastard's brains out." Chenevert's body was sanitarily disposed of in a dumpster behind the hospital.
"He decided to mark him down as "cured" anyway," says Ma, "It's good for the insurance companies, and besides, when a person is dead, they aren't feeling pain anymore. As a matter of fact, killing patients may be the next great time-saver in modern medicine. It still accomplishes the goal of eliminating any suffering that the patient may be experiencing, but it saves time and we don't need to waste money on unnecessary things like gloves, syringes, and...well...medicine in general, come to think of it."
There is only one problem with this proposed healthcare reform: "Once someone is dead, there's no way we can charge them anything, and if we can't charge them anything, our healthcare system will die. We have to make sure that if we do implement a new policy of shooting all the sick people, we charge them in advance before curing them."