UnNews:Man steals free samples
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Man steals free samples
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 19:05:UTC)(
16 March 2011
KNOXVILLE, Tennessee -- Tuesday night, a break-and entry was reported by silent alarm to the manager of local Costco Lillian Jones. After reviewing security camera footage and fingerprint evidence (among other things), it was concluded that local bum Bill-Bo Henson, 38, had pried open a back door via crowbar and entered, with the crowbar in one hand and a suitcase in the other, into an employees-only warehouse-like back area of the aforementioned Costco Wholesale store. He then proceeded to stuff hundreds of dollars worth of products into the suitcase, all of which was to be handed out as free samples the following week.
After a painstaking inventory count, it was announced yesterday that Henson had lifted exactly $869.03 (£542.19) worth of samples-to-be. Jones had planned to have several of her employees hand out the stolen goods to customers for free, but she believed Henson took that idea a bit too far. Although he was apprehended yesterday, Jones revealed this morning in a press conference that it would be unlawful for her to sue, as Henson "did pay full price for the items he took."
The suitcase containing the stolen products is, according to (an at the time intoxicated) Henson, being kept for his sole consumption under the bench he usually sleeps on, and may not be taken despite the fact that that bench is, according to witnesses, on Northshore Dr in a strip mall and therefor on public property.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|