UnNews:Man slaughters entire family in self-defense
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Man slaughters entire family in self-defense
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 24, 2016, 20:22:UTC)(
16 October 2006
Albion, Indiana -- Caddis Wilkins (45) was rescued Sunday after killing his entire family in self-defense, according to Noble County authorities. Wilkins is currently resting comfortably, watching football in an undisclosed location.
Wilkins had apparently been held against his will by his wife, Marjorie, and seven children since shortly after graduating from Prentiss College. Marjorie unexpectedly become pregnant at the time, and Wilkins was roped into marrying her. For the next seventeen years, Wilkins was held captive by his sense of obligation, until Sunday, when he took action.
"I knew it was either them or me," Wilkins said in a written statement. "In order to meet their needs and demands, I was trapped in a job I despised, I gained weight, my hair was either going gray or falling out. If I didn't do something soon, I'd be a dead man."
Using a new lawn mower and shotgun he'd received as "Father's Day" presents, Wilkins mowed down his family as they fought to keep him under their control. After a harrowing chase through the woods, Wilkins managed to turn the tables on his wife, who had earlier insisted that he take out the garbage.
Clark County Sheriff Ryan "I'm a R-tard" Petrie commented, "Wilkins is still in shock. The poor guy was lucky to get out of there alive. But hopefully, he'll soon be back dating and going to strip clubs and enjoying himself as a man should."
No charges are expected to be filed.