UnNews:Man sits at home playing Warcraft III, gets all the hot women
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Man sits at home playing Warcraft III, gets all the hot women
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, January 20, 2017, 05:37:UTC)(
5 July 2007
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Sven Hunter and his friends were nobodies back in the day. They'd sit at home in the very same room womenless, playing Warcraft III with each other. They were both terribly hungry for some sweet Swedish badonkadonks, but just couldn't figure out how to get it. They all had sculpted bodies, attractive features, were witty, and were great dancers. They knew that playing Warcraft III was what turned the women off, but just couldn't understand why. This cognitive dissonance comes as a result of their other friend Washington Irvingaard's success, which they deem to be a paradox.
"Sure, I'd sit at home playing my Warcraft III all day and get women. I just wouldn't tell those Wintermaul playing bastards how to do it, though," says Irvingaard, "Keep this just between you and me, but DotA is where it's at."
It turns out that Sven had listened in on that interview, and much to his delight, once he and his friends switched from playing Wintermaul to DotA, their house suddenly became filled with more women than they could desire. However, Sven was not satisfied, and decided to one-up his rival Washington.
"Yeah, I started using Ventrilo. I sit home at Ventrilo with my friends all night, playing DotA. You got a problem?"
According to studies shown by the subject, once he and his friends adopted the use of Ventrilo, their official Dewey System of Hotness rating increased from 6.7 to a magnificent 8.9, a rating usually obtained by baseball players and Soviet dictators.
Said Mr. Hunter: "In fact, I just bought some sweet Roland Bass and Drum machines. I think I might chronicle these past events in electronic music, or something. That would be fun."
Mr. Hunter's neighbors are afraid that, in the circumstances he actually starts producing electronic music about playing DotA with Ventrilo, the intake of women might reach levels that are too high, and critical mass might be achieved.