UnNews:Man shot into space, possibly being tortured
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Man shot into space, possibly being tortured
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017, 19:13:UTC)(
28 March 2007
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As UnNews went to press, it was confirmed that there was a man launched within the bone shaped satellite. His name is Joel Robinson. He has worked with Gizmonics Institute as a janitor for many years without garnering too much attention. A source from inside Deep 13 said, "Joel was just another face in a red jumpsuit. In fact, he wasn't too different from you or me." When asked, the inside source who identified himself only as "Frank", how Robinson's performance on the job was, he replied with a shrug, "He did a good job cleaning up the place."UnNews contacted the heads of Deep 13, Dr. Clayton Forrester and Dr. Laurence Erhardt for a comment. "We didn't really like him so we shot him into space!" Erhardt said. Dr. Forrester could be heard laughing somewhat maniacally. After a few moments, he regained his composure to tell UnNews that Joel Robinson had become part of an experiment on the human psyche.
"I've shot a man into space and have begun subjecting him to various bad movies," Forrester crowed, "It is our fervent hope that we find a film so bad, so hideous, so soul crushingly awful that it will completely break his will! Once that is done, I will unleash the film onto an unsuspecting populace and then I WILL RULE THE WORLD!"
Gizmonics Institute, has issued no comment.
As of press time it is rumored that Robinson has used special parts to create some robot friends. What their purpose is and if they will suffer through the movies sent to him by Dr. Forrester and Erhardt remains to be seen. It is currently unknown how Robinson eats and breathes, as well as other scientific facts.