UnNews:Man ruled "not guilty by reason of Frenchness"

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13 January 2011

Lavatory

Even a Frenchman can understand the red-colored notice against smoking in this room, though the other English-only signage gives him no way to know it is a washroom.

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Franck Lebrun has succeeded in getting charges dismissed of intimidating a flight crew member when he told a judge here that he was French.

Mr. Lebrun was allegedly smoking in an airplane lavatory, though UnNews Senior Editors are not sure how anyone could have known if he closed and locked the door. However, the crew of Delta Flight 83 confronted him, at which time he put his novel legal strategy into play, yelling, "I'm French--fuck you!"

FBI agent Janet Ambrisco was a passenger, en route to a top-secret spy mission in an undisclosed country that is not Honduras, and testified that Mr. Lebrun used several English-language obscenities, though this might have undercut his case, as French offers many superior swear words. According to the complaint, however, "Lebrun then approached a female flight crew attendant in an aggressive manner and pushed her away with both hands." He did so again immediately after being instructed (in English only) not to do so.

This behavior was the key point that convinced federal judge Jacques-Marie Ménard of Mr. Lebrun's nationality--along with the fact that he had professionally coiffured hair, superb grooming, but an odor despite a pint of after-shave lotion that required that several other passengers be re-seated. The judge acquitted him, holding that, "Merde alors, the defendant, he is French, and he cannot be held responsible for being boorish, obscene, or least of all, a chain-smoker."

Attorneys for Delta Airlines pointed out that Mr. Lebrun had eaten every bit of the meal served on board, including several helpings of watery American coffee, and did not seem to know whether red or white wine was correct with the main course of Velveeta on Wonder Bread. In addition, though he repeatedly manhandled the stewardess, he did not caress her on the arms and neck, something that would be de rigeur for any authentic Frenchman.

Judge Ménard's only response, according to court records: "I'm French--fuck you!"

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