Man marries brown rice
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, June 22, 2018, 09:12:UTC)(
11 January 2013
MADISON, Wisconsin - A man married brown rice today.
In a civil ceremony attended by hundreds of religious leaders and other jesters, Tommy Lee Caruso, a long-time resident and first-time caller, wed brown rice. "I love brown ricccccccce," sang Caruso, "it looks so niccccccce/ and its taste on my tonggggggue/ a most sublime onnnnnne/ Catcalls to legislaturrrrrrrres / and hurrahs to Mother Naturrrrre/ Shun brown rice and I'll cry out thrice/ "Hey, just you wait sirrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!"."
The beneficial health aspects of brown rice - which is the whole grain before it is mutilated by souless machines and other asians - have been known for thousands of years. People working on the pyramids ate brown rice on their coffee breaks, and when they dug up the first emperor of China he was holding chopsticks and a serving bowl in his hand. Even Buddha got into the act, and pretended not to care while chowing down his brown rice. It's got a slightly nutty taste, and when combined with an uncanny and likely supernatural ability to be seasoned to perfection, has gained the praise of afficionados from the vegan community, from toilet-trained untouchables, and from people who allot more than two minutes to either making love or cooking something up on the stove. However, nobody has married it until now.
"I vow to eat it ouuuuuuut/ that's what it's all abouuuuuuut," Caruso sang his vows, "to put my wife in my mouuuuuth/ this rice I will sprouuuuuut/ lick lick lick to stop its pouuuuut/ I got some in my snouuuuuuut!"
Since Caruso became the first person in recorded history to marry the grain, the world's news media was at the ceremony in force. CNN's Anderson Cooper asked Caruso what brought him to this point, loneliness or fetishism. "You speak of dark deep lurking placccccces," sang Caruso, "where few dare trod beyond the sagggggggges/ Yet I swear to you on mother's gravestoooooooone/ When love touched my heart, wait, there sounds my iPhoooooooone".
Caruso slipped a ring of brown rice pasta over several dozen pieces of the bride as photojournalists recorded the event on their phones. Vegetarian guests, including Paul McCartney, Mike Tyson, Bill Clinton, Madonna, and a trainload of Brahmins arriving from India, cheered and carried on and put their arms around each others shoulders, waists, and breasts. Madison Mayor Paul Soglin, who officiated at the ceremony, kissed the bride and offered a toast to the union.
"May this marriage last a lifetime," said the divorced Soglin, "and when Tommy Lee Caruso does what he does best - walking the walk and talking the talk - may his wife and a spoon be always at his side."
When the newlyweds exited the church the clearly excited guests showered them with white rice. Later, Caruso welcomed everyone to the wedding reception, and with his beloved looking radiant in a bowl he quieted the crowd and thanked them for attending.
"Thank you my friennnnnnnnnds/ for all the good cheeeeeeer/ now dance to Paul's bannnnnd/ and drink up my beeeeeeer/ And if troubles darrrrrrrken/ a few of your hourrrrrrs/ just cook up brown rice/ and begone your sorrowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwws!!!!!!" sang Caruso.
The couple will honeymoon in Thailand, where the endless-bowl bride will visit relatives to incorporate them into the marriage.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|