UnNews:Man lures girl (13) online, arrested under Calif. anti-fraud laws

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26 March 2009

Fatginger

Californian Robert Harley, who often invites children into his home to see puppies such as this one, has fallen foul of the Golden State's ban on fat ugly people pretending to be attractive in order to meet prospective sexual partners online.

CALIFORNIA, USA -- The FBI have arrested a man who claimed to be a teenage boy online in order to persuade a 13 year-old girl to meet him, police say. Sergeant Von Feelsik said officers got to the girl's local Greyhound bus depot less than hour before the she boarded, saving her from a terrible fate.

The girl's mother became suspicious when her daughter's school phoned to inform her that the girl had failed to arrive at school one morning, so she contacted police who immediately searched her computer and discovered she had been chatting to fellow role-playing gamers on the World of Warcraft website, with one of whom she went on to have a series of sexually-explicit e-mail conversations . "We got straight on to the headquarters who informed us that Harley is a big fat ginger-haired pig," he told UnNews. "I thought to myself, "Jeez - does this girl know what she's getting into?" I mean, when they sent us a photo of this guy he looked like Jabba the Hutt. Only a ginger version, which is worse."

Acting on a hunch, officers went to the bus depot where they found the girl waiting. "She thought she was going to meet some good-looking guy who was going to take care of her," says Feelsik. "But when we showed her the picture, she was totally grossed out. She just couldn't believe that the guy was such a porker. Thank God we got there in time - no innocent young girl deserves to have a butt-ugly obese ginger guy as a boyfriend."

Police and teachers have been handing out Online Safety leaflets to schoolkids, advising them to exercise extreme caution when talking to strangers whom they meet on the Internet. "It's about time this was done," says the mother of the girl. "Just imagine the shame we'd have felt if she'd met this guy, somehow fallen in love with him and brought him home to meet her folks. This is California, we care about appearances and how others perceive us - nobody wants the neighbours to see their beautiful little girl walking up to the house with some disgusting overweight carrot-top[1]

The apprehended man, Robert Kidlovin Harley - a California resident - is due to appear in court charged with fraud. Meanwhile, Blizzard Entertainment - the company that produced World of Warcraft and which is responsible for maintenance of the website - reports an inexplicable drop in numbers of people using the site. "We've lost 90% of our users," said company boss Joel Jules. "I don't know what's happened, but it seems that pretty much all our male users have left - ever since the FBI started monitoring us, it's like they just upped and left."

  1. "Now...have I missed anything? Oh yeah - he's 40 years old too. Nearly forgot to say that," Sgt. Feelsik added a short while after the UnNews office dictaphone had been switched off at the end of the interview.

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