UnNews:Man killed by Trouser Snake Again
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Man killed by Trouser Snake Again
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, February 23, 2017, 14:36:UTC)(
1 December 2007
PANTSVILLE, Texas -- Tragedy struck a small rural Texas community this Thursday night when Staunchely McUptight, a 54-year-old one-eyed Japanese man, was attacked and killed in his sleep by his very own trouser snake. This lethal attack marks the culmination point in a series of assaults by trouser snakes on their hosts reported from all over the globe. These incidents challenge the traditional view amongst biologists that trouser snakes live in a peaceful symbiosis with their human hosts.
When asked about the recent developments, Prof. Carmen Cox, Texas A&M's resident expert in pantaloon reptiles, refused to put the blame with the animals, instead accusing many human hosts of poorly understanding proper trouser snake grooming. Said Cox: "You just can't keep the trouser snake inside your pants all the time and expect it not to act unnaturally. I strongly recommend that all men allow their little friend to leave the confinement of the trousers once in a while, and preferably bring it into contact with a specimen of the order vaginae on a regular basis. By the way, how long since YOU have let yours out, young man?" The interview was then cut short by the UnNews reporter fleeing leaving the scene in order to finish this article.