UnNews:Man jumps quarry
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Man jumps quarry
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 24, 2016, 16:42:UTC)(
24 November 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Simon, 23, was out with friends after a effortless working week at the office. Fifteen pints later, one of his mates dared him to jump the Snowdonia Quarry. They left The Queen's Horse Pub at about 3pm, and drove recklessly towards the mountains.
Upon arriving at the quarry, the group saw many other people attempting this jump, but failing miserably.
"They were falling like flies," said an onlooker, "just one after the other, just running and falling to their death."
However, Simon did not see common sense and decided to attempt the jump.
Simon took a run up and made the jump over the 300m long quarry, much to the amazement of his friends. However, this stunt has since got him into some trouble with many environmentalist groups.
The main group that have filed a court case against Simon is English Nature.
Allegedly, as he was jumping the valley, he managed to squash the last remaining Orchid species of its kind. English Nature tried to find the remains of the ruined plant species but, it was never found. This may cause problems during the court case because this destroyed flower would be the defining evidence to decide the outcome of the case.
"Simon was a lover of that specific plant, and in the past he had made donations to English Nature especially to keep this plant alive," said a close friend, "he will be feeling very embarrassed on the subject."
When asked about the case, Simon hid his face in his coat.
"Simon was a great member of our establishment, but we don't think he is needed anymore, and have let him go as a member of English Nature. Even though he found the lost plant, he had also destroyed it, ruining at least 2 weeks work," commented English Nature.
As well as this, because Simon and his friends drove to the destination while under the influence of Alcohol, other charges could be pressed.