UnNews:Man insists Friday the 13th was not, in fact, that unlucky
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Man insists Friday the 13th was not, in fact, that unlucky
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 19:59:UTC)(
15 October 2006
NEW YORK, New York -- Local resident and prominent businessman Steve Baker shocked coworkers today by declaring that Friday wasn't all that bad, at least for him.
"Actually, it went pretty well," Baker, the 42-year old Director of Marketing at New York-based Generitech remarked. "I don't understand why everyone gets all uppity over this supposed superstition. I had a fairly productive day. I said hello to my wife and kids over videophone- they're at our vacation home in Fiji- and then made an excellent presentation to the board at the office. I even won twenty bucks off that lotto ticket I bought on the way home. I mean, tell me that isn't lucky."
Coworkers were astounded to hear the news. "Friday sucked ass for all of us," a frustrated underling who asked to remain anonymous complained. "Some jerk ran over my dog. Bill got his TV stolen when a couple of hooligans broke into his house. Fran got mugged in an alley right outside the corporate building. Yeah, okay, so maybe I should have been a little more cautious after I saw that black cat outside the house this morning. But I still don't think it's fair that we all get shafted while Baker escapes karma. If anyone deserves to get screwed over, it's that guy. He's the biggest asshole at the company."
"Come on, was there ever any doubt in the first place?" Baker asked, casually sipping a Starbucks mocha latte. "We as a society place far too much emphasis on trying to avoid what we can't understand instead of just recognizing that luck is made through hard work and consistent effort. That's all there is to it."
In unrelated news, first reports from the island of Fiji indicate there were no survivors of Friday's unexpected Category 5 hurricane there, the surprise leaking Thursday night of a secret FBI investigation into an alleged child pornography ring in the highest echleons of Generitech led to the firings of all top-level staff and sunk the company's stock to one-fiftieth its former price, and a shocking FDA report reveals that the entire stock of coffee beans imported into the United States in the last three weeks has been laced with deadly anthrax.