UnNews:Man granted immortality speaks out: "Life's a bitch"
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Man granted immortality speaks out: "Life's a bitch"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, February 14, 2016, 10:44:UTC)(
23 July 2007
TIMBERLAND, MINNESOTA - The prospect of living forever has been common throughout all history: the legend of the Fountain of Youth, the epic of Gilgamesh, the theory of Strom Thurmond (recently disproven). For centuries it was all thought to be myths and rumors. However, at 7:00 AM on July 6th, Minnesota resident Washington Irving announced to the public that he was, in fact, immortal.
"Yeah, I'm immortal," said Irving, "You don't believe me? Ask any one of my family mem– oh, wait, they're dead. Well, then ask my old friends. Well, only one of them is left. And he's really old so... yeah." Another five minutes passed full of nothing but awkwardly skeptical stares, so Irving gave in to the people's wants by shooting himself in the head.
"There, you happy?" he said whilst putting his head back together, "Doing that really gets old. Oh, oh no don't help me, I've got it under control myself. I swear I've had to put my head back together at least a dozen times. Waterloo, Yorktown, the Wild West, that accident during Stonehenge... the list goes on."
Washington claims it all began on a secluded island off the coast of Great Britain, near Wales. He, the only minority in the whole village of cro-magnon men, escaped from constant bullying from his cruel caveman contemporaries by finding respite in the nearby rock fields, where he one day happened upon a golden sphere he claimed fell out of the sky.
"Being the cro-magnon I was, I ate it; now here I am. Not only did it grant me immortality, but it also made me real smart for the time. I had this great idea of making a campfire with the rocks I used to hide out in, so all of my friends decided to spend a few years moving them to the more scenic land of Wales, where we set up all the stones and had one crazy party we would never forget."
Washington, then named Agrog, headed south when his whole clan cast him out when his children started to use more candles on their own birthday rocks than he did on his own. He kept going until he hit a rather sandy civilization after walking across a great sea, and was promptly enslaved by the Egyptian landlords.
"Did you ever see the movie Forrest Gump?" asked Mr. Irving, "In away I consider myself to be the Forrest Gump of the ages. I was there when Moses parted the Red Sea, I was there when Alexander rode into Damascus, when Forrest Gump spoke at the Washington Memorial. I was even then when that Star Wars Kid guy did all that crazy, famous shit. Let me be the first to tell you that it really didn't appear as pathetic in real life."
Despite playing a role in such important pieces of history, Washington still felt ostracized and alone. Some people discovered his immortality during the 1600s, and his quiet and almost hermetic life in Salem, Massachusetts was violently cut short.
"They threw me into the river nearby to see if I was a witch. They thought I was dead because of such the long time I was floating upside down, but I was just playing solitaire in my head. That usually gets me through lots of tight scenarios, and believe me, when you're immortal, you get a lot of them."
Washington, who has had over 350 children in his lifetime, said that he stopped getting attached to his kids after the thirty-fifth. He believes that it was for the best, since everyone in his lineage seems to have bad luck.
"I stopped caring about them, but that doesn't mean I didn't keep track of them. It turns out that I am partially responsible for Genghis Khan, Hitler, Sergei Rachmaninoff, and the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers."
The thing that kills him the most (pun extremely intended), though, is the everlasting boredom. According to his philosophy, once you've seen the whole world, there seriously isn't much else to see at all.
"I've picnicked on the peak of Everest and body-surfed the whole way down; I'm even the only person to date to play Russian roulette and lose to brag about it, too. There's only so many ways that one could exploit their immortality, however. It gets boring, you know?" He admits to have never been on Antarctica, though, and aspires to go there before it's all gone.
"Normally I wouldn't have much interest, penguins are truly the most boring of all species, but seeming as there's nothing else to do until the world is gone, I might as well kill some time there."
Contrary to what most people would think, Mr. Irving actually looks forward to the end of the world. According to him, floating around for eons going to new places and meeting new people seems more fun than talking with penguins.
Concludes Mr. Irving: "Well, there's still one boon of all this immortality. Autoerotic asphyxiation is always foolproof."