UnNews:Man googles "The Turner Diaries", takes over America
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
29 May 2009
TERRE HAUTE, Indiana -- A local man who was a self-described liberal has taken over the United States government after a late night internet surfing session in which he came across "The Turner Diaries". Apparently having read the online PDF available book, he realized that action was needed now.
"The scales fell off my eyes", he related to this formerly ZOG controlled reporter, "and I realized that my race was in a historical conflict that was unprecedented...and that we were losing, due to our acceptance of the poisonous liberal talmudic propaganda of the Zionist Occupied Government. I mean, we even had a half black, mixed breed darkie as President, what did that say?"
Frank Hummel, once a local tool and die factory owner, was having a hard time sleeping, and so was googling about the net. That's when a random link took him to www.Solargeneral.com and a pic of the most beautiful Nordic blue eyes and flaxen gold hair he'd ever seen. He had thought that it was going to be a site for learning more about alternate energy. "I looked into those hypnotic eyes, and knew I had to learn more. I learned about alternate energy alright", related Hummel, "the energy that comes from having racial identity and pride in your race's accomplishments. Just the type of power that the Zionist controlled media has tried to keep from the white man."
The first thing that Hummel did the next morning was to fire all the black assembly workers at his small machine shop and replace them with white workers, though obviously having to pay more due them knowing how to read and not smoking pot all day while raping white women and listening to rap. Next he fired his accountant, Saul Rubenstein, who had been using his sneaky and underhanded jew-skills to help him evade his legitimately owed taxes. But he realized that this was not enough. "I had betrayed my race by providing livelihoods for darkies, mongrels and scum judenrats. Just firing them was hardly going to atone for my sins. I needed to do more."
And more he did. That's when he decided to follow "The Turner Diaries" as the right wing racist instruction manual that William Pierce (Author and Xenophobic Racist) intended it to be. And that the FBI said that it was. "I realized that if this 'Earl Turner' could blow up federal buildings, kill race mixing miscegenators, destroy the presses of the liberal jew media, and foment a revolution that would establish a Nordic America, that so could I", said this husband and father of one.
For starters Hummel ditched his 43 year old wife of twenty years, who had once admitted that her great-grandmother was 1/64th Cherokee. Then he found himself a twenty year old pure Aryan girl with wide birthing hips and a willingness to use them. This would help him breed more white babies to catch up with the swarming masses of the mixed race ghettos and cement the white majority. Having heard that whites would be a minority in 2050, he was determined to do his part. So he also brought over his new wife's sister, and bred her, too. "True, she was only 16, but her hips were as wide, she was experienced, and Nordics are as able and better to breed then darkies.", said Hummel.
Next, Hummel created bombs and weapons from the detailed instructions in the book and started his one man mission to overthrow the racially polluted Zionist Occupied Government that ruled us all. He quickly amassed an arsenal equivalent to most third world nations, and with the book's guidance, sure knew how to use it. Within days he had the entire nation in terror, and ready to give in to his demands for a White America.
"But I knew they weren't serious yet", related Hummel, "so I made sure to detonate a nuke or two where it would do the most good. Jew York City and Mi'jew'ami. Once those two cesspits of the subhuman devils were gone, I focused on the darkies. You know, the ones who pollute our culture with rap and pot and who seduce the fat white daughters of all honest white Americans."
It's believed that this is why he destroyed Detroit, Chicago and Atlanta in nuclear fire. And used the nukes of Vandenburg AFB to blow the western half of California into the ocean. And rounded up all non-whites and shipped them to...well, he never quite said, and this reporter (being of pure white stock and pure Aryan ideology) doesn't care to ask. Suffice to say that he rid our great land of all who would seek to drag her down into the muck of...well, whatever muck he said it was.
Having single handedly done all that, he then cleaned out the White House and made it - once again - pure white. "Now we can all rest easy," he said, "And forge ahead into the future." Regrettably this plan went awry when it was discovered that without Asians and Jews we had no intelligent leadership, and without Hispanics and Africans we had no labor pool not union corrupted into demanding $25 per hour and a months paid vacation for turning widgets.
We thus have quickly become a bankrupt and destitute nation with no ability to run our once great factories, let alone expand. But we are at least pure white, even if we are pure white with no jobs, no food and no business. I can't complain.
No, really. I can NOT complain. I'm not complaining. Really.