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27 June 2007
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RALEIGH, North Carolina - Late on Tuesday night in a movie theater in Raleigh, North Carolina, after its 10:15 showing of Surf's Up, a man was found, in his seat, dead. This led to the belief that the man had been "caught dead in a G-Rated movie." After getting over what he described as "the initial hilarity" of this situation, the night janitor contacted the police, who, after a couple minutes of sharing a laugh, got right down to identifying who the deceased man was. After a couple of minutes of snooping through his wallet, and taking what money there was they found out who the man was. His name was not released to this reporter, and thus, cannot be released to the general public, but his story was released. He was a man, Caucasian, 53 years of age, roughly 5 foot, 8 inches, and probably a sex offender. The man was apparently "Pleasuring himself" when he died, his corpse was sticky below the waist, and his pants were off. Although it could have been butter from his popcorn. We tried to get a local hooker to lick him to find out what the sticky stuff was, but she said haughtly "I have my standards," besides we only offered her $20. The mother of the man stated that he had an unnatural animated penguin fetish, after she stopped laughing at the irony of the situation.
In an unrelated note, the mother, Caucasian, 92 years of age, roughly 5 foot 3 inches tall passed away shortly after the police contacted her. But in her Will she stated that she wanted to have inscribed on her gravestone "It's every parent's dream to outlive their children. I can check that off my list." But the message was too long and it simply stated "It's every pare".
A laugh track will be played at the wake for the man which will take place Saturday. The wake will be followed by his arrest for, well, if you've been paying any attention, you know what for, and doing IT in a public location (its illegal after all, just ask Pee Wee Herman). The judge, while laughing, described this case, as "Laughable," then scheduled the case for just after the wake. His corpse -- the man's, not the judge -- will be buried next to his mother, when he leaves jail, in 21 years (maybe 13 for good behavior.) The man is required to appear in court on Friday to have his case heard by the judge. It is believed he will exercise his right to remain silent.