|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
30 July 2008
We sat down with Cheever and his long-time roommate Dave Gunderson to try to figure out how Cheever could have possibly forgotten 9/11.
"I don't know," says Cheever. "September 11, 2001? That was like seven years ago. Honestly, do you remember details from that far back? Do you remember what you ate for breakfast on June 14, 2003?"
"It's not like that at all," interjects Gunderson. "9/11 changed everything! How could you possibly forget it?"
"Well, maybe I wasn't aware of it in the first place," suggests Cheever. "I mean, I was one of the last people to learn that Britney Spears had flashed her bits in public. I didn't know about that until like a week after it happened. So maybe this 9/11 thing just slipped under my radar."
Gunderson bangs his head against the table.
"It didn't slip under your radar! We watched it on TV! You were crying and yelling about how whoever did this needed to pay!"
Cheever squints his eyes shut in a look of deep concentration.
"Wait... September 11, 2001... was that the day your parents' puppy ate too much and its stomach swelled up and messed up its heart and they had to have its stomach pumped, and then it slept for like two days?"
"NO!" exclaims a frustrated Gunderson. "Dude, that was September 12. It was the day after! How the hell can you remember that, and not 9/11?"
"Look," replies Cheever. "I'm not saying it didn't happen, okay? I'm just saying I don't remember it. Maybe it happened, and maybe it didn't. I don't know. Hey, I'm late for work. Remind me to take out the trash tonight, okay?"
The public has reacted strongly to Cheever's forgetfulness.
At a hastily-arranged press conference, former New York mayor Rudy Guiliani issued the following statement:
"I told you this would happen! I told you that if we didn't constantly remind ourselves to remember 9/11, people would start forgetting! But did you listen? NOOOOO. You nominated that wacky old guy with the skin cancer instead. Well, you know what? Screw you guys. Today, the terrorists have won."
The U.S. House of Representatives passed a resolution encouraging Americans to tie red pieces of string around their fingers to remind them of 9/11. The resolution passed 434-1, with the sole dissenter, Congressman Ron Paul (D-MA), arguing that Congress does not have the authority to encourage anything, and that all encouragement must be left in the hands of local governments.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|