UnNews:Man fools death, then death fools man
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Man fools death, then death fools man
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 28, 2016, 12:28:UTC)(
26 August 2008
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
SCOTTSDALE, AZ. -- It was just another ordinary day for Death. Wake up at 10 a.m., stumble to the shower, then catch the morning news on the local A.M. radio station in the car on his way to the local bagel shoppe for an onion bagel with cream cheese and a bottomless Pepsi and free WiFi.
Waiting for an unsuspecting victim at the bagel shoppe, Robert Bigelow snickered as he sat on the patio in his sunglasses. It was already 105 degrees and he was watching out of the corner of his eye the quarter he had superglued to the pavement 45 minutes earlier. He thought that the lady with the big sunglasses and dumb looking sandals was going to fall for his trick, but she apparently, was too clueless to see beyond her stupid painted toes and her ridiculous looking peacock patterned shawl thing. "Who the hell would wear a shawl let alone in Arizona in August?!" Robert said to himself. His attire of flip flops, shorts, and a T-shirt were much more condusive to a successful day in the heat.
Death on the other hand, was a little more in tune to his surroundings. He exited his old Jeep, looking back inside once to make sure he'd turned off the car's radio and not just the Sirius receiver, and stepped up onto the curb. There he saw the quarter and bent down to pick it up. He knew some practical joker was to blame instantly, and the uncontrollable laughter from one of the tables assured him just who exactly was the evildoer.
Robert caught sight of Death looking directly at him and made a feeble attempt to pretend he had been talking on his cell phone, but it just didn't fly with Death-he knew. Death approached him on the patio and joined him at the table. "You think you're funny don't cha'?" said Death.
It took Robert a few minutes to get his breath back and then he finally answered. "Oh man, that was a good one! Listen, I'm sorry dude, I didn't mean anything by it. Someone did it to me a while back, I was bored, I'm looking for work, and oh...I don't know what I was thinking. That was funny. Here, let me make it up to you. I'll buy you a bagel. 'names 'Robert'." said Robert. And in he went. "Onion okay?" Death nodded.
Robert returned a few minutes later with a freshly toasted onion bagel with cream cheese on it and a small Pepsi. "Free refils on the Pepsi too. I feel bad. What'd you say your name was?"
"I didn't." replied Death. "But it's 'Death'." Death said as he munched on his bagel, washing it down with a gulp from his straw.
"Death? What kind of name is that? Didn't your parents like you?! Ha ha haaa haa haa!" said Robert, doubled over clutching his stomach. Death merely glanced at him. He was unamused.
"Seriously dude, 'Death'?" Death nodded. "Well why don't you change it to something. Like Karl? Or Tony? Not Louis though...Dave's good. Or Rick even. Go with Rick. We'll buy you a Camaro and you can get a job installing cable TV. Chicks dig guys named Rick that drive Camaros and install Cable TV." Death looked at him puzzled. How did Robert know that the Jeep was on the fritz and he was looking for work-the death business wasn't like it used to be. "Sounds good to me, I ain't got nuthin' going on." replied Death.
"Great! So from now on, you're 'Rick'. Let's get rid of that Jeep now, it's a piece of crap. I've got a buddy who sells cars. Let's swing by his place and get you something cool when we're done here okay? Then we'll go catch a movie at the dollar theatre. I'm looking for work too." With that they sat and munched in silence until it was time to go get Rick a new Camaro.
As they got up from the table to leave, Robert stepped away and fell flat on his face, paper plates and soda pop cup crashing on the ground next to him. Rick had tied Roberts shoelaces to the leg of the table when Robert was looking the other way. Rick and Robert laughed their asses off while the other patrons of the bagel shoppe looked on. "Okay wise guy, that I gotta admit, was a good one. You got me back. Ha!" said Robert. With that, the two of them jumped into Rick's Jeep and headed over to Robert's buddy's shop.