UnNews:Man finally figures out how to brag about table tennis skills
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Man finally figures out how to brag about table tennis skills
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 30, 2016, 02:05:UTC)(
14 March 2012
New York, New York
It has been almost two decades since Greg Smith took third place in table tennis in the Maccabiah Games, which are, apparently, kind of like the Olympics for Jews. Expecting to return home to his native South Africa met with a ticker-tape parade and a legion of eager groupies, Smith was shocked and disappointed to find that, instead, virtually nobody cared.
Since then, Smith has spent the better part of his life attempting to promote this accomplishment. A medium-level executive at Goldman Sachs, Smith's business card reads "Greg Smith, BRONZE MEDALIST AT THE MACCABIAH GAMES and vice president at goldman sachs," and he occasionally simply hurls boxes of these cards out of the window of his office.
At one point, Smith considered launching an ad campaign to remind people that he had once played ping pong with such skill that he defeated all but two of the world's 13 million Jews, a proud people known for incorporating ping pong into their culture the way blacks take to basketball. Fortunately, he had the presence of mind to realize that such an ad campaign would likely create a backlash.
Last night, however, Smith came to a sudden realization: he worked for an exceptionally unpopular employer, and everyone would want to read an editorial lambasting said employer. Shaking with anticipation, Smith worked nearly all night on his editorial, the first draft of which read:
- I, Greg Smith, am resigning from Goldman Sachs today. Why? Because Betty in HR kept printing me business cards that didn't list my title as "Bronze Medalist at the Maccabiah Games, Ping Pong." Even after I sent her flowers and then lost to her on purpose at Ping Pong.
- Goldman Sachs' corporate culture has eroded over the last twelve years of my employment. When I began, they let me keep a Ping Pong table in my office, and I was better at it than any Jew in the company, because I am, as you may have gathered, the third best Jewish Ping Pong player in the world.
- But today, much of that culture has been lost. My Ping Pong table has long since been removed under the flimsy excuse that "we don't pay you to play Ping Pong," and hardly anyone greets me in the halls as "Greg Smith, bronze medalist at the Maccabiah Games," which really are like the Jewish Olympics and every bit as prestigious as the actual Olympics, which are actually just the Greek Olympics when you think about it.
- No, these days, they just say "Hi, Greg." Can you believe it! As though I'm just another guy named Greg. Also, I read in Rolling Stone that we're stealing money from our clients, and that's probably true, although I don't steal money from our clients so much as challenge them to games of Ping Pong. Which I always win, because I'm the third best Jewish Ping Pong player in the world. I received a bronze medal at the Maccabiah Games, after all.
After several revisions, Smith's editorial was published in the New York Times this morning. If all goes to plan, the entire world will soon acknowledge his rightful place as a really pretty competent table tennis player.
- Staff "Maccabiah Games Medalist Rips Goldman Sachs in Resignation Letter". The Algemeiner, March 14, 2012