UnNews:Man dies while trying to open his heart to Jesus

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Man dies while trying to open his heart to Jesus

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

UnNews Logo Potato
Saturday, March 17, 2018, 10:00:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

23 January 2007

Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.

The heart attacks! The heart hits! You take 100 points of damage.

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin - Thirty-two year-old Milwaukee resident James O'Bannon Jr. bled to death at County General late Sunday afternoon, after a botched heart surgery.

Mr. O'Bannon's mother, fifty-nine year-old Denise O'Bannon of Madison, said that for years she'd been telling her son to "open his heart to Jesus", but never thought he'd actually take her advice, let alone so literally.

"I just don't understand it. Since he was thirteen, I have been struggling with him to try to help him find his way again; to find Jesus, our Lord and Savior. I'd always say 'Jim, just open your heart to Jesus, and you'll be happier.' He'd always argue with me. And now, nineteen years later, he's dead because of my advice", said Mrs. O'Bannon, struggling through tears.

Mr. James O'Bannon Sr. said that his son had struggled for a long time to find happiness. "He was always losing jobs, finding new ones, losing them, etc. The same thing happened with women. Denise always told him that he'd be happier in life if he just 'opened his heart to Jesus'. Jesus Christ, I didn't think he'd take it so literally."

James O'Bannon Jr. was admitted into County General late Saturday night to prepare for open-heart surgery. The surgery was considered cosmetic, due to the fact that doctors found nothing wrong with his heart, a fact that his mother contests. "He had heart problems. Women problems. He had a broken heart. Jesus problems. No God in his life," said Mrs. O'Bannon.

James Jr. is survived by his three-year old Pekingese, Jelly.

edit Source

Personal tools