UnNews:Man charged with worst littering crime in history
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Man charged with worst littering crime in history
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 30, 2016, 17:47:UTC)(
22 November 2007
CHATTING, NC - What started as a simple misdemeanor for a North Carolina citizen soon escalated into a national problem. Reginald Wiseman, 23, of Chatting, NC, who was charged with littering twice in late October, now faces jail time, vehicle repossession and fines totaling over $32 million. On Monday, courts found Wiseman guilty of spreading well over 500 pounds of dead leaves across the country’s highways.
Wiseman was first seen flicking leaves out the window of his Ford on October 17th. Witnesses Gina and Filly Vines reported his vehicle license to authorities and testified that a leaf stuck to the windshield of their vehicle and nearly caused them to crash. The Vineses are each prosecuting Wiseman on separate charges of reckless endangerment.
Less than two weeks later, the media attention Wiseman received encouraged numerous victims nationwide to come forward and report possible damages caused by Wiseman. Billy Hunter, 7, from Kentucky reported last month that a man fitting Wiseman’s general description of “tall, dark, and handsome” sprayed an unidentified liquid around the hickory trees at Newsome Elementary School. “It made the leaves turn red and die,” Hunter said. Jacksontown Sheriff Michael Stanks reports that hundreds of trees in the community have begun shedding leaves. He believes that this could lead to new charges for Wiseman. “There’s no doubt in my mind he’s to blame. The only question now is what to do with the [man]”.
Authorities have reason to believe that Wiseman has successfully begun an impressive succession of littering crimes across the nation, the like of which has never before been seen in history.
The littering cost Amy Betters of Raleigh, NC $20,000 when a dead leaf landed in her plate at a charity dinner, making her food inedible. She was forced to pay another $20,000 for seconds. According to the North Carolina General Statutes on Littering, Wiseman must refund Betters three times the amount of damages, which will total more than $66,000 when emotional and dietary damages are calculated. “There was no question about it,” Betters stated outside the courtroom on Monday. “That… man deliberately poisoned my food.” Betters recalls hearing a “rushing whoosh as his vehicle flew by,” and maniacal laughter.
Several have risen to defend Wiseman, including his mother-in-law, Cathleen Crisp. “There’s no need for name-calling,” says Crisp, “He’s always been fascinated with the colors of leaves. This is just his way of expressing himself.” Wiseman’s continued denial of all charges may be the reason why he cannot keep a lawyer for more than a single hearing. “This is incredible.” said Wiseman after the hearing on Monday. “These allegations are so outrageous it’s comical.” Apparently, Wiseman is the only one laughing. “Attorneys want nothing to do with Wiseman,” says Judge John Jeffreys of Geronimo, Georgia. “It’s no wonder. His plea of innocence is nigh impossible to defend.”
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|