UnNews:Man bored with Jesus, stress ball; decides to move
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Man bored with Jesus, stress ball; decides to move
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 29, 2015, 21:12:UTC)(
15 April 2008
According to a reliable source, the man is going through a time of wondering if his occupation was really the right one for him. Our source goes on to say that the man's supervisor is "an asshole," "full of himself," "so fat that a fair bit of it drags on the ground," and wears an earring that makes him look "homosexual and unintelligent".
Reports say that all he has done so far today is sit at his desk and type meaningless stories about politics (with more mudslinging than a group of preschoolers in the dirt after a rainstorm), the weather (which is a taboo conversation topic but apparently makes exciting news), medicine (where every pill gives you enough side effects that you have to take another pill), and a "funny" short bit of "Odd News" about an old lady breaking out in dance in the middle of New York City ("Maybe they should call them 'dancers' instead of 'walkers'," he wrote, because you have to be witty in the news). From his arrival this morning to the dreariness of the afternoon, he has only been getting increasingly impatient and annoyed with the state of his life.
More recently, the man has decided to start playing around with his plastic Jesus figurine. Already, he has managed to pose it in at least six different positions, and he plans to disclose this information to his coworkers soon if the news doesn't start to pick up. For over ten minutes, or an impressive 3,600 seconds, he has been flying Jesus around his desk saying such clever phrases as, "Try crucifying me now", "You believe, I can fly", and "I'm Jesus! I'm Jesus! Hooray!" The man says it is a new record for him.
But these aren't all the personal records the man has set today. Now, he can boast that he has been able to keep a scrap of paper in midair for over twenty-three full seconds. Much more has been accomplished in this office than the mere reporting of news; today, the man has made some.
His desk presently contains a desktop computer, a crossword puzzle, a large and foreboding stack of paperwork, several pens that only work half the time bunched together in a mug, a half-finished cup of Dunkin' Donuts hot chocolate, the model of Jesus, a keyboard with a highly facetious "Any Key" cover on the right shift, and a stress ball. Our source says that the man plans to finish his hot chocolate before he leaves work today. A brief interview with the man himself has revealed that he likes to squeeze his stress ball often, and pretend that it is his supervisor's ugly balding head slowly turning to mush in his hands. He also wonders why the hell his supervisor is so in denial of his gray hair, and why he attempts to comb over a bald spot twice the size of the Moon.
The future is looking monotonous for the man, but he plans to take destiny into his hands very soon. According to his bladder, he will have to empty himself of liquid waste products in a short time. The man's regular pattern in these types of situations is to get up and go to the bathroom, and likely this instance will be no different. At least it will be a change of scene for this very bored, very annoyed individual.