UnNews:Man accuses media of overhyping everything; accusation may lead to World War III
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Man accuses media of overhyping everything; accusation may lead to World War III
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 5, 2016, 08:56:UTC)(
26 November 2007
Des Moines, IOWA -- Today, in a stirring speech that had an entire baseball stadium cheering, a local man made an angry, 45-minute speech condemning the American media for overexaggerating and overhyping their stories as a means of boosting their viewership. This accusation may very well be one of the defining moments of our decade, possibly even of our century, and may very well be the trigger of a chain of events that will lead to the most violent struggle in the history of mankind, World War III.
After this stirring speech was made, our committed journalists immediately set to work to get the "big story" at the heart of all this. We have already released several thousand fliers called "WORLD WAR THREE: Why it is approaching, and what YOU can do to protect yourself." We also sent out interviewers to interview all of the people who will most likely be leaders when the war breaks out, including the current president, George W. Bush.
"Mr. Bush, what do you plan to do when World War III breaks out?" UnNews asked the President. He responded, "Uhm...I don't think it's uh....breaking out. It doesn't seem like anyone really cares about this...uh...guy from Idaho." Obviously, he was covering something up. We set several journalists to follow him 24 hours a day, and mark his every move, looking for signs that the inevitable World War III is coming. So far, he has very suspiciously brushed his teeth while a member of the Marines walked past his bathroom door. Obviously, this was some sort of secret signal, which we have set to work on decoding.
We finally managed to catch up with the man who made the original speech in the first place, and asked him, "How does it feel to know that your stirring condemning of the American media's journalistic style is going to lead to the end of civilization as we know it?" He responded: "I didn't even make a stirring speech, I just said, 'Wow, this newspaper sucks,' and threw it in a garbage can while one of your journalists was within earshot." This comment left us deeply distressed, as it appears that the man has lost all his memories of the stirring speech he made. We set a psychiatrist on it right away.
"Well," said our expert psychiatrist, "It's fairly obvious that this man is suffering from some sort of highly contagious flu virus that causes severe nausea, vomiting, constipation, and crippling stomach pains that will kill everyone in the world. This flu outbreak will doubtlessly have a major impact on America's fortunes in the upcoming war."
Worried about catching the fatal flu virus that the man has? Afraid you'll get a bomb dropped on you when the war arrives (which it will any day now, we assure you)? Well, there's good news. There's a way to GUARANTEE that you will survive, no matter what! All you have to do is watch "WORLD WAR III IS COMING: HOW TO SURVIVE," a three-hour, UnNews sponsored documentary, on CNN! There's no way to miss it, it will be the only thing being shown on that channel for the next eight months! But you might want to watch it soon, before you get killed by bird flu, or your television explodes due to a relapse of the Y2K bug!
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|