UnNews:Man slays Mayor, declares himself Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
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Man slays Mayor, declares himself Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 25, 2017, 15:47:UTC)(
26 August 2007
"Sure, he may have had his low points, but haven't we all?" remarked Vivan Banks, Smith's aunt. Smith was living with the Banks family when he planned and carried out his heinous act.
"Frankly, I'm not all that surprised. He always was a bad egg. And that language! He's been up to no good, and he's been making trouble in the neighborhood." said Philip Banks of his nephew. Ironically, Philip is Vivan's husband, and they seem to be happily married.
More ironic still is the way in which Smith garnered the means to carry out his fiendish plot. The FBI has been able to trace a number of large withdrawals from Mr. Banks' Swiss bank account that were made approximately four months ago to multiple large arms trading deals that have taken place within Compton in recent times. Police have not named a formal suspect in the gunrunning charges, but Smith's close friend and Compton resident Jazz has been named as a "person of interest".
According to formal sources, Smith was able to gain the support of the ALANA group of the University of Los Angeles through his promises of a better life for all citizens, if he could only seize control of the power center of Bel-Air, one of LA's most affluent neighborhoods. Through clever exploitation of his rhyme smithing prowess, Smith was able to bend the students of ALANA ULA to his will, preaching a message of violence that would enact social change. Some students have even remarked that he was "trying to resurrect the Black Panthers". Eventually, he introduced ALANA to weapons training, and over the next few months, they became a dangerous group of social radicals (albeit a poorly trained one - Smith himself never properly learned how to fire a gun until days before now).
Early this afternoon, Smith and his band of rebels stormed City Hall with approximately 50 men armed to the teeth with automatic weapons, easily dispatching the lightly armed building security.
"Nothing like this has ever happened in the history of Bel-Air; we simply weren't prepared." said the building's Chief of Security, Edward Teach.
According to the security records, Smith entered the mayor's office at precisely 2:47 pm. He did not allow the mayor much room for mercy, shooting him square in the forehead only moments after entering the room. Shortly afterwards, he made his now-infamous public statement:
"The old order is dead. The time is ripe for change. Much like fruit that has rotted on the vine for the farmer, this city needs something fresh. And that is exactly what I intend to be: Fresh. From this day forth, I shall be The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."
No one is quite sure what the title of "Fresh Prince" entails, but one thing is for certain; dark days lie ahead for the citizens of Bel-Air and those who oppose Smith's rule.
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