UnNews:Man discovers that he lacks a brain
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Man discovers that he lacks a brain
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, January 20, 2017, 14:15:UTC)(
14 October 2007
“An article dedicated to someone without a brain, that's a no-brainer.”MALTON, ENGLAND - Edwin T. McMurphy had a fully functioning brain for nearly 56 years - or so he thought (with his brain, presumably). Sadly, his unquestioning belief in his brain was invalidated when he went to his doctor yesterday for what appeared to be a textbook case of hollow head sound. His doctor, Gabriel Gray, M.D., discovered that McMurphy actually had the much more serious condition of spontaneous lobotomization syndrome. The condition is always in remission until the affected person is informed that he has it, at which the person's brain spontaneously disappears without a trace. Until yesterday, the condition was widely thought to be simply a fairy tale dating back to medieval times that was told to convince children that they should never remove their brains.
Dr. Gray did not intend to witness the sudden, inexplicable removal of McMurphy's brain; he told McMurphy about the condition in what he intended to be a joke. The would-be joke was "You have no brain. Just kidding! Your brain is fine." Unfortunately, McMurphy's brain spontaneously disappeared after the first sentence, leaving a brainless shell of a man in McMurphy's place. Dr. Gray did not realize that he was dealing with a brainless patient until McMurphy began shambling around the room and repeatedly groaning the last word he had heard before his spontaneous lobotomy - "brain".
Dr. Gray alerted the rest of the hospital to the threat of McMurphy. The entire hospital quickly responded by attempting to kill McMurphy, reasoning as he was already quite clearly brain-dead, he should be body-dead as well. McMurphy dodged the attacks of the doctors-turned-assassins and eventually escaped the hospital by falling out of an open window. Under normal circumstances, this would have caused McMurphy to lose consciousness. However, because McMurphy had no brain that he could feel pain with, he was unhindered by his unintentonal self-defenestration. McMurphy is still at large and presumed to be in the Malton area. He can be distinguished by his shambling and loud groaning of "BRAAAIN... BRAAAINNNN!". Official Malton Police Department spokesman Dewey Nostra told the citizens of Malton that there was nothing to worry about and also that "nothing else will ever shamble or groan about brains in the city of Malton again!"