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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 30, 2016, 02:01:UTC)(
19 April 2007
"I can promise you: We won't soon forget you," Seacrest replied. Malakar then performed one last song, "Something To Talk About." Putting his own twist on the song, the 17-year-old known for his pretty looks and ever-changing hairstyles ad-libbed, "Let's give them something to talk about ... other than hair."
The unjust coup by Simon Cowell and his association of music-hating miscreants has disheartened many Americans. Some are beginning to doubt whether liberal democracy can actually work as a result of this failure of the democratic process.
"I'm, like, so pissed that he got kikz0rd off," one teenager told UnNews reporter Lotta Lies. Her socialist, college-aged boyfriend, Rick Gobsworth, agreed, saying "This event proves that American 'democracy' as it exists today is unjust in every way and must be replaced with a participatory democracy and anarcho-socialist society in which all are equal." He then went on to begin hatching a bomb plot for FOX's Hollywood headquarters.
Candlelight vigils are planned for tonight, and student walkouts, race riots, and public doubt now grip the big cities and small towns of the United States. Indian-American taxicab drivers have gone on strike in New York City, while roughly two-thirds of junior high girls refused to go to school today.