UnNews:Making Money In A Down Economy: Experts Offer Advice
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
12 February 2009
The science of finance is inexact, and financial experts do not often agree on best courses of action - especially in a down economy. But one thing they do seem to agree on is a well-established and recession-proof means of increasing your net worth no matter how Wall Street is faring; sell dubious financial advice to gullible investors.
"Some call it snake oil," said noted financial advisor Cleo Barsook. "But calling it snake oil seems a bit harsh. Snake oil salesmen didn't get degrees in snakonomics." By this statement, he meant that, even though the advice he gives is nowhere near the guarantee of income for you that his own charge for the advice is for him - which is identical to snake oil salesmen's arrangement - his advice, unlike that of his oily counterpart, is at least backed by two years of community college study. He declined to explain what that is actually worth, however.
"The key thing to remember," Barsook explained, "is to always include the disclaimer. That way there is no misunderstanding about the reality of it - that you make more money by telling your customer what he should do than you would make if you yourself did what you are telling him to do. Otherwise why would you be selling it instead of doing it?" When asked to provide details about how to get started implementing this plan, however, Barsook declined, stating that there is an up-front charge for that information.
The idea is taking hold among struggling investors. "I got really tired of my financial advisor making more money off me than his advice was making for me," explained Charles Queem, a local investor. "So I decided I should just do what he does. I bought a book and I'm going to a seminar. Only cost me $2500. Soon, I'll be rolling in it."