UnNews:Major media outlets sue family to force them to provide juicy details on interesting homo news story
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Major media outlets sue family to force them to provide juicy details on interesting homo news story
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 29, 2016, 18:10:UTC)(
5 October 2006
WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) -- Responding quickly to the selfish privacy and safety concerns of the hapless family of an apparently poovy house page who exchanged some slightly nasty and definitely homo e-mails with Mark Foley, who is apparently rather a bit of a poofter himself, the major news media, including CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN, FOX, the CW, LMNOP, QRSTUV, WXYZ, as well as whoever keeps putting those annoying Housing, a Constitutional Amendment flyers everywhere, immediately sued the family, demanding in addition to unlimited access to all information, property, records, photographs, computers, the physical personhood of everyone in the poovy page's family and the page himself, naturally, as well as all other physical, emotional, philosophical, metaphysical, and or other tangible or intangible possessions, qualia or other properties of the affected family, in the face of the overwhelming public interest in being titallated by a exciting news story with real life poovy homo poofters in it, and hopefully maybe even some genuine bona fide ass fucking.
Sadly, in the face of this law suit, other critically important news stories, such as pretty white girls missing, sharks and crocodiles attacking people who swam near to them, and the often referenced but never proven phenomena of sharks and crocodiles conspiring to kidnap pretty white girls for the purposes of feeding the news cycle and watching it spin into a frenzy of self-proclaimed experts, coverage of non-developments in a non-story, and audio tape accompanied by a spooky silouette of someone who probably has nothing to do with anything, or who may not even exist. Therefore, a counter suit is reportedly being prepared, by everyone else, to force the major media to, while covering this obviously important buggery, to also remember what makes American news great and the the world's journalism ideal and model; kidnapped Barbie clones getting chomped down on by Jaws.
"We cannot let this silly homo diversion distract our great newsertainment industry from the classics," said an unnamed lawyer who was busy preparing the case for court. "Americans crave missing white girls, in danger, and if we can connect that with sharks and crocodiles, then it's an even sweeter score. The whole homoerotic-pedephilic fad is sort of played out, what with them wanting to get married now and also make it legal for them to do each other and stuff, and we really would rather the news just got back to ignoring all of these faggots, like they seemed to do a fine job doing prior to, say, around 1992. Let's try to move back in that direction. Ignoring the homos is what made America great; we can have fun with this last story, but remember, after this, back to the latest missing Barbie clone's wacky dream kidnap adventure, perhaps even involving scary foreigners or some quiet guy who kept to himself a lot"
The family responded to the allegations against them by wishing the U.S. Constitution guaranteed a "freedom from the press" as well, and hiring this guy to be their lawyer in the defense of the case. Reportedly, the defense strategy is still coming together, but sources indicate it may involve substantial and cherished Constitutional rights of the person, which unfortunately may no longer recognized as law following Bush's rumored recent authorship of a "signing statement" to the U.S. Constitution, which essentally states that Bush has the power to disregard the Nation's foundational legal document, which is "now really more of an advisory thing than, really, something with teeth or whatever," in Bush's own words.
The controversial signing statement, which may or may not exist and say what we say it does (and it does, though, and does, but you didn't hear it from us) also makes the official US State religion "Jesus worship", and authorizes Bush to invade and occupy the blue states for allegedly harboring weapons of mass dissent, which satellite photographs show to be of great danger to the Republican par- er, I mean, nation.
- Harriet the Spy "Leave our homo son alone". The Sun Globe Enquirer Mail Journal of Advanced Ten-Dimensional Physics, October 5, 2006