UnNews:Major drug company acquisition protested
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
4 November 2010
DENVER, USA -- Little known pharmaceutical company Abstergo Industries has joined the big league of companies specializing in R&D, with the acquisition of some abandoned research facility in the city of Denver. The facility, whose existence was unknown until now, was acquired by Abstergo just a week ago, in a multi-thousand dollar deal. "This is a major acquisition for our company," said company CEO Allan Rikkin, "With the acquisition of this facility, we can now fulfill our dream of providing the best healthcare to the people of America. The research and development wing will be opened up shortly, and we hope to achieve some major breakthroughs in the coming years or so. May the Father of Understanding light our path"
Founded sometime in 1940, Abstergo has claimed to have "provided medicinal care for the people of America for the last 70 years". Its sales of anti-depressants are what seems to have kept this till-now obscure company alive for so long.
Till date, the company has failed to achieve much more than establishing a few pharmacy stores here and there. (at least, that's what we think.) CEO Allan Rikkin is hopeful the acquisition will change the company's fortunes for good.
Surprisingly, however, the acquisition was widely protested by a community that calls itself "the Brotherhood". They have claimed that Abstergo is a front for modern-day Templar crusades. "They will rob us of our free will! You'll see, you'll all see!" says a member of the Brotherhood. Another member has said that persistent references to the Father of Understanding prove that Abstergo has a strong connection to the medieval Templars. When asked how, he replied "No comment.". Yet another member has gone as far as saying "Forget about the impending apocalypse, I'm worried about what Abstergo will do to all of us in 2012!". The head of the community has threatened "violent demonstrations if the company is not shut down right away", but fringe lunatics say that all the time, so nobody cares.
Some employees of Abstergo have also alleged that the Brotherhood has links to the Hashashin clan from the Third Crusades, and hence "they're the ones who should be shut down". Either way, the company is set to gain hugely from this acquisition, and security officials have said that "anybody who attempts to vandalize their facility will be arrested anyway, as vandalism is against the law. Go figure."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|