|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
1 November 2006
Portland (Rutgers) - A Maine attorney and former priest who released information in 2000 about President George W. Bush's drunken driving conviction, represented Michael Jackson's children's mother's sister's husband's daughter from a first marriage in a mock trial at a local junior college, and played a doctor in a high school skit, was arrested on Tuesday after she dressed a lobster up as al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden and waved it at traffic. She had attempted, initially, to dress herself up as Osama bin Laden, but found the desert tents a snug fit on her 21st century American behemoth frame even accounting for the fact that uniquely over 7 foot frame of the uncaught bin Laden added a few extra yards to the costume.
Lt. Todd Burnhard said the police department received calls about a lobster wearing a Civil Air Patrol uniform and a bin Laden mask and being carried by what appeared to be a small house or large cottage wiggling along an interstate highway. When police arrived, they carefully approached within 500 yards until they saw O'Donnelly holding the lobster.
"They ordered her to drop the lobster, several times and she eventually heard and attempted to comply," Burnhard said. However, because of her girth, she only dropped the lobster onto her chest, where it latched on for the ride. The officers were forced to call in the fire department to retrieve the lobster with a hook and ladder. They made firehouse stew with the lobster. It is uncertain what they did with Osama's clothing, however, it is felt that a butt-naked 7' tall Arab might be a bit easier for the US to find, so they won't be returning the garments.
Police arrested Sharolee O'Donnelly, 49, of Somewhere, Maine, (like you could even find the state much less a town on the map) and charged her with criminal threatening of both the lobster and the drivers. She was released on her own recognizance once local officials learned that elephants are aware of other elephants and assumed that O'Donnelly, too, might be able to recognize herself and other humans. Charges were dropped when it was found the lobster would not be available to testify.
In a phone interview, O'Donnelly said she'd been trying to save the lobsters by parodying the resemblance of their desirability to Osama bin Laden. O'Donnelly, a Republican environmentalist, ran for governor in Maine in 1998 on a Save-the-Lobster platform.
"I didn't expect to be arrested," she said. "Obviously I touched a post-9/11 nerve."
Days before the 2000 presidential election, O'Donnelly had released information about Bush's 1976 drunken baby bottle driving conviction. The Shrubby Bush campaign said Democratic "dirty tricks" were behind the disclosure that Bush had been arrested for drunken baby bottle driving in Kennebunkport, Maine, pleaded guilty, paid a fine and had his license suspended for 30 days. Authorities were unable to find the body of his girlfriend, although there is some speculation that, as a Republican, he did not have one to kill. The same "dirty tricks" appear to be responsible for O'Donnelly's arrest today, as without notification authorities would have mistaken her for a construction site, leading her to escape arrest, and the lobster to escape stew.
“Portland was once the heart of the lobster and tent-making trades of the past two centuries.” said Massachusetts Senator Edward (body count 0) Kennedy. “Today, we’re reigniting that vitality, confident that the truly great story of Portland has yet to be written, but we'll now have enough paper once Ms. O'Donnelly is shamed into using less tissue.”
Senator Kerry commented, "It’s clearer than ever that we need new leadership if we are ever going to change the Administration’s failed course in Iraq.” Then suggested that the only reason someone with an IQ as low as Save-the-Lobster O'Donnelly's isn't in Iraq is that she couldn't be counted on to stay center of mass on the troop ship.