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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Wednesday, April 1, 2015, 00:57 (UTC)
Coney-Island-Cyclone-Coaster
UnNews Logo Potato1PANIC in the SKIES
NEW YORK, New York -- Coney Island visitors riding the Cyclone roller coaster caused a thrilling stall on a downhill section of track.

Spokeswoman Luna Park stated that it was an "isolated mechanical issue". Although past events usually are good predictors of future events, Ms. Park's assertion seems to mean that this event will predict a lot of the exact opposite. Full story»


Tsipras
MONTABAUR, Germany -- Investigators have found, in the apartment of Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz, a torn-up notice from his doctor excusing him from work on the fateful day.

The note stresses the negative health effects of flying a jetliner into the ground. An investigator stressed that pilots who intend to crash airplanes should always notify Personnel of their plan, preferably beforehand, to get "buy-in" from other stakeholders. Full story»

Kerryborg
LAUSANNE, Switzerland -- The United States beat a self-imposed deadline, announcing a nuclear weapons deal with Iran with nothing left to be worked out except all the details.

The deadline was vital to keep the Obama administration from having to announce a treaty to pacify Iran on April Fool's Day. Full story»


Ketchup1
BUFFETT'S WARREN, Pennsylvania -- Corner shops, chocoholics and greasy spoons throughout the world are in a Twirl over Wispas of the imminent merger between Kraft and H.J. Heinz.

The Fresh Take on the Fusion of the two corporate food Heroes occurred when venture capitalists concluded that Americans would jump at the chance to add ketchup to their cheese dogs without an intervening step. Full story»

StrictlyCameron
MANCHESTER, UK -- Conservative leader David Cameron plans to introduce a seven-day week to the National Health Service, as the NHS's current Pagan Druid calendar has long been out of use across the rest of the country.

Conservatives also aim to replace all medicine with paracetamol, force ambulance staff to use buses instead of petrol-guzzling ambulances, and cut 100% of the pay to NHS staff, freeing up enough money to bribe the courts in Prince Andrew's sex trial. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights April 1


Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
"Hide and Seek." If you cannot see your parents, do they still exist?

Finish Your Peas Drama
Lifetime. 9:00 PM EDT/8:00 CDT
Someday, little Tommy will be DEAD.
THEN they'll be sorry!

Future shock Science documentary
Science Channel 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Scientists gloat about technology takeover. Michio Kaku attempts to help us understand why we have to do what the robots are telling us to.

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