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Read Me First •
From the Chief •
Style Guide •
|Your birthday this week: Gemini! You were born with a prehensile tail, but your parents never told you about it, you little freak. Your dual nature can lower your chances of passing that drivers test. Believing that Dracula is real will get you far in life. Vocations of Geminis include seal and otter repair, hated business executive, competitive eater, lambaster and prophet.
Famous Geminis include Bonnie Tyler, Abe Vigoda, BILLY MAYS, Lance Bass , Oprah Winfrey, Krispy Kreme , James T. Kirk , Mao Zhe Tung , Steven Colbert and Wendy Thomas .
- Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Treat yourself to a full body waxing on Friday. Your friends love your sammiches, so bring plenty to whatever shitty pot luck you're going to this week.
- Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Special message to sailors under the sign of the crab: the locals don't appreciate you wiping your arse on their buildings. Most of you should increase your usage or start using marijuana and stop bothering the rest of us.