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Department of Defense orders more sexual assault training ARLINGTON, VA PENTAGON – Embarrassed by the quality of sexual assaults against female servicemen, brass at the Department of Defense have ordered more sexual assault training for its soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, and Coast Guard corpsmen. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel commanded the armed services to “re-train, re-credential, and re-screen” thousands of military recruiters and sexual-assault officers in the “finer points of [such] assault,” vowing “we can do better!” “Boys will be boys,” Hagel admitted, “especially when the ranks are full of hot young women who fill out their uniforms in ways that “just naturally get men's attention.” However, the fact that sexual assaults have “put the military services on the nation's radar” is a clear indication, he says, that service members need “further training” in the subtleties of conducting such assaults without drawing “unwarranted attention.” Full story» The Singles Crisis: UnNews Reporter's Two Years on Plenty of Fish VANCOUVER, Canada -- Signing into the site, a rush of excitement always occurred. Would I be lucky today? Did the girl from the internet cafe in Fiji take me up on my offer? Did the guy in Texas get the point that I am not visiting him!? Online dating is fun. It is also frustrating and weird. My experiment with the site Plenty of Fish began when searching for "plant food" on a lesser-known search engine on the outskirts of the Internet. Full story» Baseballer detonates bomb in Boston but walks free BOSTON, Massachusetts -- A designated hitter for the Boston Red Sox apparently known as Big Papi has detonated a powerful bomb in downtown Boston, but will not be punished. On April 20, the slugger stated, “This is our bleeping city, and nobody is going to dictate our freedom.” The unscripted remarks, which munitions experts call an F-Bomb, caused the death of several bystanders and one First Responder. Full story» Witherspoon may have Alzheimer's ATLANTA (Or Thereabouts), GA – It is feared that Reese Witherspoon, another aspiring Hollywood alcoholic, may be suffering from stage one of Alzheimer's disease. After her drunken husband, Jim Toth, and she were stopped on suspicion that Toth was driving while intoxicated, Witherspoon did not seem to know where--or even who--she was. Sergeant Trooper First Class J. Pyland, the arresting officer, said that Witherspoon was hanging out of the automobile's front passenger window, yelling, "You're not a real cop! You're just a two-bit extra, and, after tonight, you won't ever work in Hollywood again!" Full story» Blogger may be "angling" to replace "anorexic" NBA cheerleader Kelsey William OKLAHOMA CITY, IS OK – A sports blogger affiliated with CBS complained that Kelsey William, an Oklahoma Thunder-Down-Under Girl, is too “skinny” to be an NBA cheerleader. “I wouldn't let that skinny skank cheer at my son's Little League game, let alone an NBA game,” Claire Crawford, who is allegedly not related to supermodel Cindy Crawford, complained. “She looks positively anorexic!” Full story»		Latest news 22 May - Sergio Garcia apologizes 21 May - Scientists prove George Lucas' Theory was correct 20 May - Obama ducks more IRS fallout 20 May - Flying sharks spotted at Cape Cod 19 May - Bra brouhaha over official's decree 17 May - Ask Hal 9000/arch2 15 May - Department of Defense orders more sexual assault training 13 May - Sandy Hook Elementary School condemned 11 May - The Singles Crisis: UnNews Reporter's Two Years on Plenty of... 09 May - EA Games partners with Reebok 08 May - Dave Mustaine is running for president 06 May - Baseballer detonates bomb in Boston but walks free 30 Apr - Lebanon detains dolphin spy suspect 28 Apr - Blogger may be "angling" to replace "anorexic" NBA cheerlead... 25 Apr - UnNews wire hacked; President is unhurt 23 Apr - Witherspoon may have Alzheimer's 23 Apr - Columbia no longer the drug capital of the world 19 Apr - Boston terrorists believed to be British 13 Apr - Kim il-Thatch honoured with state funeral 12 Apr - 'Lights Out' For Norway Older news
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Write a new UnNews story:± UnNews needs you! If you've got an idea for an article...then sod off and type it into Minitrue. But if you can actually write a complete story, then enter the headline in the box below, then click the button to create your own UnNews article! Read Me First • From the Chief • Style Guide • Newsroom	Minitrue ± What's This? Dubai invests in tourism for S&M enthusiasts South Dakota implements nine month waiting period for abortions I.O.C. drops wrestling; plans to add "Olympic Doping Competition" Homeland Security investigating mysterious 'USPS' group leaving unattended packages across US, Terrorism link possible? All future headlines to be limited to forty-four lett Google accused of rigging search results: Wikipedia pages ranked above Uncyclopedia.	UnFunnies for May 23
Your birthday this week: Gemini! You were born with a prehensile tail, but your parents never told you about it, you little freak. Your dual nature can lower your chances of passing that drivers test. Believing that Dracula is real will get you far in life. Vocations of Geminis include seal and otter repair, hated business executive, competitive eater, lambaster and prophet. Famous Geminis include Bonnie Tyler, Abe Vigoda, BILLY MAYS, Lance Bass , Oprah Winfrey, Krispy Kreme , James T. Kirk , Mao Zhe Tung , Steven Colbert and Wendy Thomas . Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Treat yourself to a full body waxing on Friday. Your friends love your sammiches, so bring plenty to whatever shitty pot luck you're going to this week. Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Special message to sailors under the sign of the crab: the locals don't appreciate you wiping your arse on their buildings. Most of you should increase your usage or start using marijuana and stop bothering the rest of us. see more horoscopes	TV Highlights May 23 Horizon: Investigation into whether Microbiology exists elsewhere in the Universe Science Documentary BBC 3 7:00 PM GMT The Brian Cox gets an insight into the search of microbiology on other planets. Who wants to be Abducted by an Alien Quiz Show ITV1 5:00 PM GMT A quiz show in which celebrities compete to be kidnapped by ET! (Warning: This programme is for entertainment purposes only and does not support the fact that alien life exists). Aliens: A daily struggle to survive! Science Documentary Channel 5 8:00 PM GMT We meet Alan and Dave, random people off the street who claim they are aliens, to obtain true, scientifically proven facts about alien serial killers living in the Midlands with dramatic naration and the theme from Dracula playing on repeat in the background. Viewers in the United States can receive these broadcasts by notifying their local cable provider that they would like the Highbrow Package, which includes all these channels plus several in Hindi and complete coverage of Smackdown Wrestling. Viewers in the UK might try contacting their local BT network for an upgrade from only receiving two channels to receiving three and all in colour. Viewers in Australia or New Zealand might want to turn their TVs upside down (right way up) so that they can receive the signal.	UnMagazine
Recent UnNews Audio ± Podcast | Archive. 30 Oct - BBC DJ's warned over possible Savile Pranksters (2:27, info) • story 18 Oct - Windows 8 baffles users; but, screw 'em! (4:48, info) • story 14 Oct - Prof sues law school for bias against conservatives (4:14, info) • story 14 Sep - Riots spread across Arabia protesting American cinema (4:30, info) • story 30 Aug - Romney/Ryan to re-institute Negro slavery (4:10, info) • story Apr '11 - Pennsylvania city renames itself for cash (4:01, info) • story	This day in 2012 Facebook on the verge of Wall Street collapse? Hit squad from the future fails to assassinate Suzanne Collins South Korea to chemically decapitate serial kisser	About UnNews Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»
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Sister projects Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects. UnNews The news source on crack Uncyclopedia The content-free encyclopedia Undictionary The ick!tionary of all things best left unsaid UnTunes Where noisy things can live and prosper Games Another way to waste time HowTo Instructions and guides for anything and everything UnBooks Content-free books Unquotable Useless misquotes galore Uncycloversity If it makes sense, we don't want it UnPoetia Poetry for people who hate poetry UnDebate Debating all the irrelevant issues UnScripts We can ruin stage and film too Why? Don't make me explain it to you twice UnReviews We'll tell you why things suck UnCommons Broken media repository