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Latest revision as of 01:00, January 2, 2014

Welcome to UnNews
Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!
Friday, April 18, 2014, 09:04 (UTC)
Ribbon-cutting in Parral
SNAKE'S HIPS, Nevada -- Troops resembling the Russian Army, presumably not satisfied with the capture of the Crimea last month, seem ready to bite off a huge chunk off the tip of this pizza-shaped Western U.S. state. Defending the territory 80 miles northeast of Las Vegas is a rag-tag citizen militia, fresh from a home showing of Red Dawn and ready to take on the Roosky invaders.

Rancher Cliven Bundy, who became famous as the hard-luck women's shoe salesman in Married with Children, told Glenn Beck it is bigger than a financial dispute. Full story»

ABERDEEN, UK -- Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond shot down a British Army helicopter over the city of Aberdeen.

In a press availability, with his blue face paint shimmering in the heat of the moment, Mr. Salmond blamed Westminster for sending it. David Cameron said that a planned election this Wednesday on uniting Aberdeen with neighbouring Dundee to create a new "Scottish Kingdom" is illegal. But Nigel Farage said he admires Mr. Salmond for "standing up to the West." Full story»

MOSCOW, Russia -- Vladimir Putin announced that British UKIP party leader Nigel Farage will stand in as temporary Prime Minister of Russia. Farage, who has taken UKIP to centre stage by shoving hot custard pies down the trousers of British Prime Minister David Cameron, said he was 'delighted' with the offer, which will involve opening fetes, kissing babies and sucking the toes of Russia's oligarchs.

French National Front leader Marine Le Pen was said to be 'keen as Dijon mustard' to have to have her turn as Putin's girl. Full story»

Onyango Obama
BOSTON, Massachusetts -- Zeituni Onyango, the aunt of President Barack Obama, has "self-deported" at the age of 61, as candidate Mitt Romney predicted many illegal aliens would. She is likely to clear immigration in Purgatory prior to a final border-crossing down the River Styx.

Cleveland attorney Margaret Wong argued that Onyango would risk persecution if she returned to Kenya — for having a dope for a nephew. The Republican Party has dropped all opposition to programs for illegals, but it reassures the Tea Party movement that hundreds of illegals will leave the United States on their own every year, just as Ms. Onyango now has. Full story»

Broken monitor
REDMOND, Washington -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Microsoft has ended support for the popular Windows XP operating system, placing "a big neon bull's-eye on it." This means that, as fewer people use XP, hackers will somehow see it as a better target.

Experts say that XP, while working fine, is now unfashionable and thus, "If it ain't broke, find another way to sell something different," which was also the basis of Obama-care, Cash for Clunkers, and the Y2K crisis, when all business software had to be studied or replaced just in case it was one of the six programs where 1999 failed to roll over to 2000. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2013

TV Highlights April 18

The Real Scottish Referendum Documentary
BBC 1 7:00 PM GMT
The BBC reveals that only 1% of the population support Alex Salmon in the Scottish referendum. (Despite the fact that the BBC is a public service the government has in no way biased the making of this documentary).

Panorama Investigates:Does Scotland actually Influence Great Britain? Documentary
Channel 4 8:00 PM GMT
A Channel 4 reporter goes undercover disguised in a kilt to interview Scottish people and force them to tell C4 that they are unemployed.

Argentine Invasion of Scotland Plans Revealed Documentary
Channel 5 5:30 PM GMT
Channel 5 gets a new insite into the real Argentine motives as it covers an unemployed ex-Admiral of the Fleet who wants a war so that he can have an excuse to get his job back as he campaigns to prove that Argentina is still a threat to the nation.

Viewers in the United States can receive these broadcasts by notifying their local cable provider that they would like the Highbrow Package, which includes all these channels plus several in Hindi and complete coverage of Smackdown Wrestling.

Viewers in the UK might try contacting their local BT network for an upgrade from only receiving two channels to receiving three and all in colour.

Viewers in Australia or New Zealand might want to turn their TVs upside down (right way up) so that they can receive the signal.

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