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Revision as of 01:00, January 2, 2014

Welcome to UnNews
Straight talk, from straight faces
Saturday, April 18, 2015, 09:11 (UTC)
Rosette-sotm
UnNews provides rosette-to-rosette coverage of the upcoming British general election. On 7 May, Brits are to elect 650 MPs (Military Police) with a view to making one of several really silly people the face of the nation (pending the ceremonial wink from Her Majesty). Full story»
Cocaine haul
UnNews Logo Potato1WAR ON DRUGS
SAN DIEGO, California -- The U.S. Coast Guard cutter Boutwell, carrying more than 14 tons of cocaine, returned to Snow Station Zebra after an operation off the coast of Central and South America. Vice Admiral Charles Michel described the result as "some of the best shit I've ever tried."

The haul is destined for baseball ballparks across the nation. New rules to speed up the game force batters to remain in their "box." To encourage this, the white lines have been completely reformulated for the new season. Full story»


Hillarystache
DACRON, Ohio -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton turned up at a Chipotle restaurant here in sunglasses and a fake nose-and-mustache Halloween costume she had used in an incognito trip to the Middle East to avoid adding its results to her massive list of "accomplishments."

Chipotle manager Max Tenochtitlán was amazed that the candidate made no attempt to greet his other unwilling customers. She also avoided the tip jar, saying, "I'm not thirsty." Full story»

I-too-am-moist
CHAPPAQUA, New York -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Hillary Clinton may have declared her candidacy for President by posting a video to Facebook.

Unfortunately, the video is gone, as the entire Facebook page has been deleted by campaign staffers, based on a keyword search, without reading the page. Moreover, the entire server has been wiped clean — and is missing, to boot — so it is impossible to tell what Hillary actually wrote, as she has already started claiming she doesn't remember. Full story»


Apathy
WHITEHALL, England -- The UK has declared an official “state of apathy” and is on communication lockdown. The press release states that the 2015 election campaign has driven the population of the United Kingdom to not give a toss about anything until further notice.

The release advises international businesses to avoid calling the UK, as they will be left on hold until the exchange crashes, or whatever. Full story»

Paris Hilton
OTTAWA, Ontario -- ICANN has written to the U.S. and Canada about the new .sucks suffix. Trademark holders and celebrities can register a web address for $2,000.

Ford, which alone could open the ford.sucks website, is not about to. Oprah Winfrey got a site, even though she claims she does not suck, but Kate Bush tried to register bush.sucks and a bidding war broke out. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2013

TV Highlights April 18


'George the Edgy Children
Disney 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
"George Does Drugs" George is offerred drugs, and forgets that winners don't do drugs.

Holy Shi.... Shit Fiction
ShiTV 4:20 AM weEDT/3:20 CDT
In the series premiere, scientists talk about shit.

South Park Adult Animation
Comedy Central 10:00 PM EDT/9:00 PM CDT
Timmy

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