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Revision as of 01:00, January 2, 2014

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DavidChamberlain1
LONDON, United Kingdom -- British PM David Cameron declared, in a speech on the wireless last night, that he achieved 'all his aims' after a recent trip to Brussels.

He said he had 'averted a long war' that would have caused huge suffering within the Conservative Party. Full story»

Cambridge Uni 03.02.16
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Cambridge University applicants are to undergo 'face tests' during enrollment.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn supported the move, "As long as you don't discriminate against terrorists. Terrorists are important to our society." Google face-recognition software may allow further uses of the data, along with a stand-alone procedure called the ASS-levels. Full story»


Jean Claude Plonker
BIRMINGHAM -- ISIL are now using "paper rounds" to violate Europe, according to the European Committee on Social Rights (ECSR).

David Cameron said, "The threat of paper rounds highlights the need to destroy ISIL once and for all." He delivered his remarks in triplicate to each MP as a call to re-arm. Hillary Clinton says she has already done so, as every deleted-but-recovered email was delivered to the FBI on paper. Full story»

ShockedCarson
CLIVE, Iowa -- Ben Carson made a last-minute pitch to evangelicals here. "There are those who go around proclaiming separation of church and state," he said, apparently referring to Thomas Jefferson.

Carson's campaign has faltered, as Megyn Kelly did not even prepare a video montage of his lies to see if she could get him to stutter and sweat. Full story»


Shruti Seth
CHANDIGARH -- The State of Haryana has achieved 903 girls per 1000 boys after a decade of trying to get Indians to stop aborting female fetuses, drowning female babies, and tying female teenagers to railroad tracks.

PM Narendra Modi participated in a #SelfieWithDaughter publicity stunt to show that female offspring can be somewhat fun, although it still costs a ton of money to marry them off. Full story»

Hillary Clinton sunglasses
NEW YORK CITY -- Hillary Clinton expired Sunday evening during the CNN debate. The FanGraphs sports site logged 37 coughs and 7 throat-clearings on Ms. Clinton's way to eternity.

The health crisis followed a more minor crisis during the previous debate, requiring that Ms. Clinton have a Ladies' Room to herself for activities probably involving the vomiting of blood. Republican Donald Trump guessed that "there was blood spurting out of her...whatever." Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights February 8


Panorama Investigates: Child Abduction Documentary
Channel 4 7:30 PM
One of the reporters goes undercover disguised as a guy being followed around by a camera man, sound man and director as he walks he speaks in a quiet voice into the microphone, to check out how a large, multinational company is supporting child abduction in an African country.

Countryfile Conservative style Entertainment
BBC 2 6:30 PM GMT
This week Matt and Sue are walking through the fields of some county up North no one has ever heard of in search of Gordon Brown's hiding place while John will be working out why the population in that area is rapidly decreasing due to a lack of jobs.

Doctor Who: The Return of the Plot from last week Sci-Fi
BBC 1 7:45 PM
Doctor Who goes in searc of some Time Lord money so that he can afford to pay for new writers to write different scripts for each episode. He goes hyperactive and can only display one emotion: insanity. His new assistant who is just there for her looks mentions "I wish David Tennant still played the Doctor" numerous times when confronted in not-very-scary situations.

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