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Revision as of 01:00, January 2, 2014

Welcome to UnNews
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Tuesday, March 3, 2015, 18:55 (UTC)
Spock hand
UnNews Logo Potato1ALIEN EMPLOYMENT
STARFLEET -- Mr. Spock passed away Friday, the victim of a temporal paradox through repeated time travel, which implies that he may never have been alive at all.

He was hospitalized last week but was released several days later. If he achieved this with more time travel, it is possible that he was never hospitalized to begin with. He regretted having smoked, though it is not clear why he didn't just go further back in time and hide his butts. Full story»


Blackgerbilrat1
OSLO, Norway -- Rats have brought a genus-action lawsuit for libel after scientists in Norway revealed that the true carriers of the Black Death were gerbils.

Researchers writing in the Journal of the British Rodent Guild explain why the plague, which wiped half of Europe's population in the mid 14th century, spread so quickly — gerbils were being passed around openly in cages as playthings — unlike rats, which no one will touch, unless they're Goths or into the occult. Full story»

Charles the tweaker
DENVER, Colorado -- In the early hours of last Saturday morning, a Denver man tweeted claiming to be the first person to binge-watch the new season of House of Cards twice, barely a day after its initial release.

Viewer "Charles" called his buddy for some meth for the occasion, offering to trade his "nut." Charles' contact seemed disinterested in his testicles, however, and more inclined towards cash — which Charles, in his own words, "also had." Full story»


Arsenal
FORT BENNING, Georgia -- The U.S. Army has finished testing a new grenade that can be stacked like Lego blocks.

The munition is part of the Army's strategy of "reaching out" to Islam through play therapy, to help jihadis get in touch with their inner child and view American combat troops as warm and friendly social workers, culminating in President Obama's National Summit on Youngsters Who Don't Play Well. Full story»

Loreal2
PARIS, France -- Death will now be a thing of the past, as L’Oreal has invented a $15 miracle cream that, technically speaking, would let Dame Helen Mirren re-grow a severed foot.

But a customer died after using the product; another’s head turned light blue and a few other customers' bones have dissolved, effects that the FDA claims put the formulation a couple notches beneath the statutory goals of "safety and efficacy." Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2014

TV Highlights March 3


Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

Viral Videos ?
TBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

TV Highlights Readers Documentary
Discovery 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People who read the TV Highlights section.
No, you're not in it.
What, you think you're the only one who reads this crap?
Stupid narcissist.

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