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Where man always bites dog
Saturday, March 28, 2015, 04:25 (UTC)
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UnNews Logo Potato1JUST GETS SADDER
MONTABAUR, Germany -- Investigators have found, in the apartment of Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz, a torn-up notice from his doctor excusing him from work on the fateful day.

The note stresses the negative health effects of flying a jetliner into the ground. An investigator stressed that pilots who intend to crash airplanes should always notify Personnel of their plan, preferably beforehand, to get "buy-in" from other stakeholders. Full story»


Ketchup1
BUFFETT'S WARREN, Pennsylvania -- Corner shops, chocoholics and greasy spoons throughout the world are in a Twirl over Wispas of the imminent merger between Kraft and H.J. Heinz.

The Fresh Take on the Fusion of the two corporate food Heroes occurred when venture capitalists concluded that Americans would jump at the chance to add ketchup to their cheese dogs without an intervening step. Full story»

Bottled water
HONG KONG, China -- The Chairman of Nestlé has declared that “Water is a human right,” at the Credit Suisse Asian Investment Conference here, as his associates raised toasts with Perrier.

The new human right would seem to extend to cases where the natural endowment needs to be trucked in, desalinated, or have someone pluck out the cow feces. Full story»


Time
AUSTIN, Texas -- Bills are being drafted across ten states to ban the use of time, a move that should eliminate rotting food, late trains, and arguments at the end of track meets.

Texas State Rep. Dan Flynn (R-Snake's Hips) argues that abolishing time — inflexible, invisible, and odorless — will make traffic accidents a thing of the past, and will stop expensive procrastination and sour milk with a single swipe of the pendulum. Full story»

Funeral01
LEICESTER, United Kingdom -- England's most prolific killer, King Richard III, was presented to the public in a brand new coffin inside Leicester Cathedral.

Richard had died at the Battle of Bosworth in 1485 and for over 500 years his body had been lost to view, buried in a car park and forgotten. The city council expected a tourist rush to share the 'Richard' experience. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights March 28


Joy Hour Religion
TBN 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Up and coming pastors ask for financial support in exchange for joy.

British Farce British Farce
BBC America 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Some generically named, impossible to understand British farce.

Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Quinn takes a hilarious look at the double-slit experiment through silly song and dance.

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