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Thursday, May 26, 2016, 21:20:59 (UTC)

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TORQUAY, England -- A coach-load of beaver has been sent to Devon to boost the gene pool, part of Natural England’s wider strategy to boost the economy.

The action was prompted when it was discovered Torquay’s opticians had approached Ray-Ban about designer frames for cyclopses. Full story»

CRE bacterium
UnNews Logo Potato1WORSE LIVING
PUNXATAWNEY, Pennsylvania -- A bacterium has been found in Pennsylvania that is resistant to every known antibiotic — a situation called "the end of the road."

Most bacteria patiently wait a few millennia for a legitimate mutation to ward off penicillin, amoxycillin, exetera; but Mr. E. Coli bulked up on "plasmids" and spent weekends at Gold's Gym until he could withstand exetera, clean living, and even America's last line of defense, colistin. Full story»

Mobil @ 2.89
DALLAS, Texas -- Exxon has approved a shareholder measure that could put a pedophile on the Board of Directors.

The measure merely lets minority shareholders nominate outsiders to sit on the Board and be listed in the prospectus as a candidate. Actually electing a pedophile would require that the company undergo further shaming next year, but Senior Editors at UnNews are up to the challenge. Full story»

Solar Impulse Moffett
TULSA, Oklahoma -- The Solar Impulse 2 left Tulsa on its way to Ohio. It arrived two hours late at Tulsa, but the TSA has advised Americans to allow three hours for their pre-flight federal pat-downs.

Unfortunately, the single passenger, hapless token salesman Clivus Multrum, was late for his meeting, and must now wait for the next solar-powered flight back to Phoenix. Full story»

Safety form
DEWSBURY, England -- Zakaria Muslim Girls' High School has been graded the UK's first 'Probably a Terrorist School' by education watchdog Ofstead.

Recognition for their approach to David Cameron's chain-academy initiative, has been considered long overdue, as the town is home to one of the 7/7 bombers and still holds the record for the UK's youngest convicted terrorist. Full story»

Lori Robinson
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Lori Berenson has become the first-ever female to head a combatant command. Lori went to Peru and joined the Sendero Luminoso (Slippery Path), until Fujimori jailed her in the Andes. But now she is out and Fuji is in.

The U.S. military opened all its jobs to women last year and Lori must now prove they are equally represented in all jobs and at all ranks, between pregnancies, and that it provides frequent lactation stations on the boot camp obstacle course and makes combat a non-threatening work environment. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights May 26

Horizon: Investigation into whether Microbiology exists elsewhere in the Universe Science Documentary
BBC 3 7:00 PM GMT
Brian Cox gets an insight into the search of microbiology on other planets.

Who wants to be Abducted by an Alien Quiz Show
ITV1 5:00 PM GMT
A quiz show in which celebrities compete to be kidnapped by ET! (Warning: This programme is for entertainment purposes only and does not support the fact that alien life exists).

Aliens: A daily struggle to survive! Science Documentary
Channel 5 8:00 PM GMT
We meet Alan and Dave, random people off the street who claim they are aliens, to obtain true, scientifically proven facts about alien serial killers living in the Midlands with dramatic narration and the theme from Dracula playing on repeat in the background.

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