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Monday, December 5, 2016, 00:39:59 (UTC)

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Fake News
CYBERSPACE, The Final Frontier -- U.S. President-elect Donald Trump has drawn a big, red bull's eye on the back of news services such as UnNews.

Marsha Blackburn (R-TN), the spokeswoman for Trump's transition team, told the press that Internet Service Providers should be "obligated" to prevent "bogus news articles" from reaching hungry viewers. Incredibly, some have called even UnNews "fake." There is a risk the next President will shut us down, faster than webhost Wikia "Fandom" can eliminate bare tits in favor of Brony fangirl rants. Full story»

Digvijaya Singh
NEW DELHI, India -- Digvijaya Singh, general secretary of the Congress Party, has tweeted, "Shouldn't we include Hacking in next Olympics?" Either that, or someone hacked into Twitter and tweeted it for him.

The Congress account was recently hacked, resulting in calls for the nation to lob "a nuke or two" at Pakistan and for Prime Minister Narendra Modi to "accept Christ into your life." A hacking biathlon could have separate competitions in choosing an easily guessed password and writing it down on Post-Its placed on one's monitor at work. Full story»

No to Farage
TRUMP TOWER, New York -- Brexit-champion Nigel Farage is ready to immigrate to the U.S., joining millions of squeegee men and welfare cheats from Latin America to Ukraine. Farage said he would feel "freer" in America to make hare-brained proposals, apparently unaware that the U.S. has no federal referendum at all.

Farage would still have to learn about the concept of states, and select one to live in. The smart money is on California, where virtually anything can be put up to a November vote. And, it has porn stars. Full story»

Air conditioners
TRUMP TOWER, New York -- Donald Trump reported progress in keeping the state of Indiana from picking up and moving to Mexico, using fifteen Twitter tweets, most sent on Thanksgiving.

VP-elect Mike Pence assisted by holing up in the Indiana Governor's Office and refusing either to come out or to walk toward the south. Full story»

Factory floor
ST. PETER'S GATE -- The Heavenly Father has given "airtight" assurances to Donald Trump that the sun will not stop rising, at least not before his inauguration.

Trump jawboned the Almighty following tweets to Ford Motor Company not to pull out of Kentucky. But it is the Focus, built in Dearborn, that Ford was moving to San Luis Potosí, and even that factory was staying open, to block jobless claims by ex-workers. Full story»

Trump Tower 1
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Americans went to vote at the polls in large numbers, clogging up not just voting systems but the Canadian immigration website as Donald Trump came from behind.

The day was a series of screw-ups, most notably that the closing time for polls was several hours later than the opening time for bars, added to by an unfortunate effort to attract millennials uninterested in either 70-year-old candidate by putting legalization of pot on the same ballot. Full story»

Donald Trump hair
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Nearly 3 in 4 Americans told pollsters that they believe Donald Trump was elected President. Those who disagree said it is probably not worth shooting a policeman over.

The results involved 865 adults or children trying to make their voices deeper, adjusted by discarding enough Republicans to give an accurate portrayal — the same process pollsters had used to predict a Hillary Clinton landslide. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights December 5

Panorama Investigates: Child Abduction Documentary
Channel 4 7:30 PM
One of the reporters goes undercover disguised as a guy being followed around by a camera man, sound man and director as he walks he speaks in a quiet voice into the microphone, to check out how a large, multinational company is supporting child abduction in an African country.

Countryfile Conservative style Entertainment
BBC 2 6:30 PM GMT
This week Matt and Sue are walking through the fields of some county up North no one has ever heard of in search of Gordon Brown's hiding place while John will be working out why the population in that area is rapidly decreasing due to a lack of jobs.

Doctor Who: The Return of the Plot from last week Sci-Fi
BBC 1 7:45 PM
Doctor Who goes in searc of some Time Lord money so that he can afford to pay for new writers to write different scripts for each episode. He goes hyperactive and can only display one emotion: insanity. His new assistant who is just there for her looks mentions "I wish David Tennant still played the Doctor" numerous times when confronted in not-very-scary situations.

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