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UnFunnies for March 19
This Week's Horoscopes
NOW UPDATED FOR WEEK OF 3/15/10
- Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your self-image is going to be very important this week, so be sure to cover all of your mirrors.
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Now with 20% more ninjas!
Mar 11th, 2010 • Issue 79 • Making the New York Times look shabby since 2008
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Investigative journalist looks in to the cabal; Shocking discovery
- By PuppyOnTheRadio
For years a dreadful mystery has hung over Uncyclopedia. Rumours of a cabal have dogged Uncyclopedia, suggesting that there is a shadowy, mysterious group behind administrative decisions that have guided the hands of Uncyclopedia policy and procedure since the time of it's inception.
Many veiled references have been made to this cabal, however until now there has been no real investigative attempts to uncover the shocking truth about the cabal.
However, despite this, one plucky rookie journalist has decided that the truth must be free, and an investigation into the cabal has been undertaken. Investigating this it appears that the rumours relating to a cabal have come from numerous sources. In investigating this there were a number of dead ends, including pages that appear to have been deleted with no history.
One source has come forward to expose the truth about the cabal. Under threat of repercussion, this source has been asked to be known simply as Deep Throat. Upon interviewing this source the following shocking truth has been discovered!
There is n o cabal.
Any rumours about a supposed cabal are completely untrue. Any suggested sources are in fact fictional and have no veracity behind them. There is no shadowy, mysterious force guiding Uncyclopedia.
As I, as a respected journalist, have now been made well aware of the non-existence of this cabal, I am now comfortable to retire my journalistic career. I will shortly be taking a long trip to a very remote location where there is no phone or internet access and will choose to never write again.
I may even go to Antarctica.
But m ost imp ortantly, there is n ot n ow, n or never has been, a cabal. A useful HowTo? does not compute!
- By UU
Writing UnNews just got a whole lot easier, after UnNews kingpin Zim ulator, Zionist control freak Mordillo and sucker for punishment workhorse SPIKE got together to completely rewrite HowTo:Tune up an UnNews article. Featuring novel ideas (that they got from a novel) such as helpful advice, up-to-date references, and words in the right order, the article is so preposterously useful that it may have to be deleted, as it clearly contravenes Uncyclopedia's mission statement.
If there were a Cabal (which, as the above article clearly establishes beyond doubt, there isn't), it would encourage you to read it and never write a bad UnNews again.
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From our logs:
- 00:09, 10 March 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 75.47.145.114 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (I shit on you, you emotionally unstable little twat. Why would you even come here?)
- 18:33, 9 March 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.150.243.254 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (So... Because you hate the CIA you vandalise the article about them on Uncyclopedia? Good thinking batman. That will stop em! Try again.... Later (obviously))
- 09:19, 9 March 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.189.75.214 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (you are right: Twilight does suck. however, so does page blanking, which means you yourself are full of as much fail as Twilight. consider that, and then weep.)
- 22:08, 8 March 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 168.99.135.251 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (obviously we're not getting through here. Go away and grow a cactus, then sit on it. Repeate step 2 several times. )
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Biopic of the Week
If this issue of the UnSignpost has reached your talk page, it's very likely to be thanks to the unstinting efforts of paperbot MrN9001. He's been schlepping around this wiki for over a year now, delivering this very slab of journalistic goodness, replacing templates, reverting stuff, making tiny but doubtless vital changes to pages, and generally taking care of all the stuff MrN himself is just too bone idle to do. What the hell would we do without him?
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Admin answer of the Week
Shijiati: Why did you huff my page?
Codeine: Because it sucked.
Any questions, folks?
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Horoscope of the Week
*Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You have many great strengths, but taken too far they can become liabilities. For instance, your honesty can become rudeness, your bravery can become foolhardiness, and your taste for human flesh can become criminal cannibalism.
For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here.
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UnWeather Station
provided by UnNews
UnWeather operates automatically by going out and auto-reading the weather news itself, and its contents are free and open to abuse and buttrape
(only by appointment, please).
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Two Day Outlook
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| Friday
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a 0% chance of
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elephants
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| Tomorrow
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a 50-50 chance of
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idiocy
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| Some day
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a 5% chance of
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haze
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Suggested Recreation
| While there is a 5% chance of icicles
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| Wednesday, we suggest goat petting.
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Global Warming Indicator
International Posts
Special Weather Report:
A pack of domesticated tornadoes escaped Oklahoma, and may be roaming loose near Canada.
UnWeather Station Forecast Stats
This weather forecast has accurately depicted the weather on Jupiter twice.
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About UnNews
We are a group of strange oddballs whose mission is to build a website with present up-to-date, relevant, newsworthy and entertaining content without a shred of truth.
All content is released under a free license. By making our content perpetually available for free redistribution and abuse, we hope to line the birdcages of users everywhere.
UnNews also aims to write stories from a borg point of view.
UnNews needs you! We want to create a diverse community where proles from around the globe can collaborate to report the news lies on a wide variety of events that never happened.
If you would like to write, publish or edit articles, visit the Workspace and read the Introduction to UnNews.
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