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Straight talk, from straight faces
Saturday, January 31, 2015, 14:51 (UTC)
Firefighting 3
PHOENIX, Arizona -- The rivalry between Katy Perry and Taylor Swift will reach apogee when Swift launches into space from the U. of P. parking lot to upstage Perry, who will be performing live inside during the Super Bowl halftime show.

Perry and Lenny Kravitz will be drowned out by the Vega rocket at 200dB, enough to cause catastrophic damage to any singing career. Full story»


156px-Mitt Romney
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- 2012 Presidential candidate Mitt Romney will not run again in 2016. Though he is getting antsy puttering around the mansions, he conceded that there were several "good" candidates competing for the massive we-want-a-nice-guy-who-finishes-last vote.

Even more candidates would be available if the nation accepted a Peruvian-style case that the 22nd Amendment, on Presidential term limitation, does not apply to the President. Full story»

Tanker
LONDON, England -- As oil prices sink and North Sea crude oil production is hitting the rocks, PM David Cameron announced plans to export crude North Sea water to the Middle East.

“I hear many tourists are complaining that the sea there is too hot and bum for surfing,” said the PM. “Our waves are two metres in the summer and up to twelve in the winter; the average temperature is 11° Celsius.” Full story»


Greek Election
ATHENS, Greece -- Leftist leader Alexis Tsipras promised, after his Syriza party swept to victory, that Greece’s Archaic Period of antiquity "humiliation and suffering" imposed by oligarchs is over and a "Golden Dawn" had begun.

"By Zeus, today is one for the scrolls!” Tspiras proclaimed from the front of the Parthenon. Full story»

Onyango Obama
FALL RIVER, Massachusetts -- The start of the Aaron Hernandez trial has been delayed by problems with jurors. One juror in a Patriots jersey and cheerleading, while another wore a "Don't Snitch" hoodie and decided that cooperating with a judge would be just as wrong as cooperating with police.

If there is a reason not to take four months out of their lives, it may be the Jury Questionnaire, which asks embarrassing questions about drug use and tattoos. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights January 31


Horizon: Investigation into whether Microbiology exists elsewhere in the Universe Science Documentary
BBC 3 7:00 PM GMT
Brian Cox gets an insight into the search of microbiology on other planets.

Who wants to be Abducted by an Alien Quiz Show
ITV1 5:00 PM GMT
A quiz show in which celebrities compete to be kidnapped by ET! (Warning: This programme is for entertainment purposes only and does not support the fact that alien life exists).

Aliens: A daily struggle to survive! Science Documentary
Channel 5 8:00 PM GMT
We meet Alan and Dave, random people off the street who claim they are aliens, to obtain true, scientifically proven facts about alien serial killers living in the Midlands with dramatic narration and the theme from Dracula playing on repeat in the background.

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