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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Tuesday, February 21, 2017, 04:23:59 (UTC)

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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Long-time Uncyclopedia memeJohn Bolton has been passed over for National Security Advisor. Bolton previously served as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, and in a little more than a year compiled near 100% success at telling every foreign dignitary what a jerk he or she was.

Bolton has interviewed for jobs in the Trump Administration previously, but President Trump has an irrational resistance to men with goofy-looking white mustaches, and not just to unflattering news reports. Full story»

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) It's official: Barack Obama is the twelfth-best U.S. President ever. The finding puts to bed the claim that Obama was "worse than Jimmy Carter." In fact, he is not even worse than James Polk.

Obama was "whisked to a very good table at the club of former presidents," wrote Time Magazine, as not just any goofball gets to be a President, at least not before Donald Trump got in. Full story»

Molten carbon
UnNews Logo Potato1BIG SCIENCE
OLD FAITHFUL, Wyoming -- A huge well of carbon the size of Mexico beneath the western U.S. could cause planetary doom if it got out. Geologists used 583 sensors to see the underground sea of molten carbon.

They used mathematical equations to conclude that, if Donald Trump's border wall with Mexico had to extend beneath the entire western U.S., there would be no way that Mexico could pay for it. There is no way to drill down to take a look at this molten carbon, but it could come up to take a look at us. Full story»

UnNews Logo Potato1ALSO PRETTY BIG
GLIESE 411B, Milky Way -- Scientists have discovered 50 new planets, temptingly close to the Earth, including one that they are calling "Super Earth."

Among the 50 is one named Jack LaLanne 21185, a hot super-Earth-like planet orbiting the fourth closest star to our first-closest Sun. LaLanne orbits its sun once every ten days, heartening for Americans facing a third blizzard in a week with nowhere left to move the snow. Full story»

LONDON -- Tim Peake will be returning to the International Space Station this Sunday to pick up his wallet. The distressed astronaut said he was “mortified” to discover he was unable to pay £10 for a haircut at the local barbers.

Mr Peake was relieved when a drinking buddy on the ISS called him to say they’d found it, floating behind a bowler hat that was hanging on the ISS coat rack. Full story»

Pussy Hats
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) President Trump had a fitful day on the telephone on Wednesday, giving several other world leaders what for. Trump read the riot act to Australia's Malcolm Turnbull, but said he had gotten even worse results earlier with Putin and Mexico's Enrique Peña Nieto.

Having Turnbull's performance panned less than halfway through the hour-long call, it did not surprise him that Trump hung up at the 25-minute mark. People of Trump's age often have to visit the bathroom frequently. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights February 21

Jesus Slaps the Shit Outta _____. Fantasy
EWTN 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
This week's guests: American Catholic Bishops.

Spanish Inquisition Game
HIST 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
Betcha weren't expecting this.

Test Patterns Art history
CBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
In an effort to boost ratings, the network replaces one of its several crime dramas with an hour long slide show of test cards used throughout TV history.

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