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Straight talk, from straight faces

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Friday, September 21, 2018, 05:40:59 (UTC)

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Washington, USA -- United States President Donald Trump announced he is forming a sixth branch of the military: the Space Force. "We must have dominance in space," said the president. "That's a big statement."

“We are going to have the Air Force and we are going to have the Space Force. Separate, but equal. Like whites stay in Trump Tower, and Mexicans live in tent cities. Separate but equal. It is going to be something. Full story»

Windsor, England -- Prince Harry Potter, sorcerer in chief of modern literature, finally married his congenial literary female fighter for the good, Miss Meghan Marple -aka - the Granny Sleuth, shortly after he accidentally had spirited his first wife Ginny Weasley away into the harem of an unknown Arab sheik who won't give her back no more. The age gap between the couple - Potter is now in his early 20s and Marple is closer to 90 - has not been an issue. Full story»
Quebec City, Canada German Chancellor Angela Merkel is still in Canada after USA President Donald Trump Super Glued her hands to the table. Other world leaders were able to escape Trump's prank when he covered a white table cloth in superglue.

The meeting of the G7 had already run into difficulty when Trump had asked why his best mate Russian President Vladimir Putin. He accused British Prime Minister Theresa May of being a 'petty school mistress'. Full story»

New York USA -- Justify has won the Belmont Stakes convincingly and by so doing has also won American thoroughbred racing’s Triple Crown. He is only the 13th horse to earn that honor although that figure does not include several NASCAR racers and one very fast chicken.

His jockey Mike Smith stated, "In my humble estimation, 'twas was an estimable victory for this exceptional equine specimen, thus giving the lie to his earlier detractors. This is quite the felicitous occasion." Justify’s trainer Bob Baffert stated, "[Phony humility statement] [something about how great the horse is] [well-worn platitude] [stupid joke]". Full story»

Singapore -- North Korea's leader Kim Jong-un has joined Celebrity Dictator in a special ceremony. The show's creator and host Donald Trump who also happens to be President of the United States said it was a 'great honour' to have Kim in the show.

The decision to invite Kim Jong-un happened when Trump decided the young dictator had shown enough despotic ability to be eligible. As Celebrity Despot's host-for-life, Trump says he had been eyeing the potential of Kim Jong-un for sometime. Full story»

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Some generically named, impossible to understand British farce.

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