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Sunday, May 28, 2017, 07:25:59 (UTC)

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UnNews Logo Potato1'17 COMMENCEMENT
CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts -- Commencement remarks delivered by Mark Zuckerberg to an audience in the rain at Harvard University here were obviously inspired by great, deceased lyricist Prince and sent in from Heaven.

Climate scientists at Harvard, who study the colors of rain and recommend new international agreements, state that Zuckerberg's speech was inspired by an angel of Prince, who escaped his purple coil exactly 400 days ago. Full story»

Hillary in cap and gown
UnNews Logo Potato1'17 COMMENCEMENT
WELLESLEY, Massachusetts -- Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton returned full-circle to her alma mater, Wellesley College, asserting to graduates that America had returned full-circle to the Watergate era.

Mrs. Clinton asserted that President Donald Trump has a nasty five-o'clock shadow and a top aide nicknamed H.R., and that there is evidence that Mr. Trump captures all conversations in the White House on magnetic tape, on which there are likely to be gaps as long as eighteen minutes. Full story»

Greg Gianforte
MISSOULA, Montana -- Republican candidate Greg Gianforte was found guilty of assault of a news reporter and sentenced to two years' hard time in the U.S. Congress, an unpleasant stint in "the big house" dealing with society's most notorious grifters and looters.

Opponent Rob Quist made a last-minute appeal to voters during a debate this month to "go into your car in your garage, start your car, and see what happens there." However, too few Montanans accepted Quist's "challenge" to commit suicide. Full story»

NRL coke
SYDNEY, Australia -- Following the cocaine scandal that rocked Australian rugby clubs over the last two weeks, Colombian cartels have started petitioning for a ban on the sport, saying that it is no longer worth the bad press.

Rugby league players are anything but discreet. However, cocaine traffickers and growers finally had enough, calling on Australian authorities to ban the sport saying that "cricket is better anyway". Full story»

Kim visiting Greece
PYONGYANG, North Korea -- Tourism here is "booming" and as a result, North Korea will soon conquer America without a single nuclear-tipped ballistic missile.

The government stated, "The amazing Democratic People's Republic of Korea has recorded outstanding and superb amounts of visitors to its radiant city of Pyongyang this year." The release was not contradicted, as few have ever set foot here, for fear of being abducted by one of the covert smiley mannequins who quietly patrol the secretive city. Full story»

Big Bang
VATICAN CITY -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) The Catholic Church, in a big break with Catholicism, has embraced the Big Bang theory of the creation of the universe, and will host a cosmic confab at the Vatican Observatory to finesse it with the notion of Intelligent Design.

The Observatory was opened in MDCCCLXXXXI to dispel the unfortunate notion that the Church was anti-science, which had stubbornly persisted ever since the heresy trial of Galileo four hundred years ago. It conducts legitimate science, both verifying the celestial position of nearby planets and counting the pimples on the Man in the Moon. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights May 28

Horizon: Investigation into whether Microbiology exists elsewhere in the Universe Science Documentary
BBC 3 7:00 PM GMT
Brian Cox gets an insight into the search of microbiology on other planets.

Who wants to be Abducted by an Alien Quiz Show
ITV1 5:00 PM GMT
A quiz show in which celebrities compete to be kidnapped by ET! (Warning: This programme is for entertainment purposes only and does not support the fact that alien life exists).

Aliens: A daily struggle to survive! Science Documentary
Channel 5 8:00 PM GMT
We meet Alan and Dave, random people off the street who claim they are aliens, to obtain true, scientifically proven facts about alien serial killers living in the Midlands with dramatic narration and the theme from Dracula playing on repeat in the background.

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