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Friday, July 3, 2015, 09:23:59 (UTC)

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Drivers
SILVERSTONE, England -- Formula One has been asked to kill more drivers live on television as of next year.

Bloodthirsty fans are leaving the sport in droves to watch more exhilarating things, such as chess and water evaporating. Full story»


Wimpy
UnNews Logo Potato1MELTDOWN '15
ATHENS, Greece -- Greece has finally found a way to wreck the nation, and possibly the entire Euro-zone.

Previous rounds (or tranches) in the five-year saga have been inconclusive. Now, however, Greece's Socialist government is going to let voters themselves stiff the foreigners. Vacationers are being promised the memorable experience of being in a large city in a banana republic during a military coup. Full story»

Gyros
UnNews Logo Potato1MELTDOWN '15
LONDON -- Tourists going on holiday to Greece should take enough gyros to cover the entire trip, said Chancellor George Osborne.

“With Greece’s financial crisis, tourists may find themselves in the market and unable to recognize anything. Fortunately, most British supermarkets have a range of very photogenic moussakas, kleftico and souvlaki that can be photographed cold for posting on Facebook.” Full story»


Plasticbottles
GLASTONBURY, England -- Festival attendees have been bottling and stockpiling vast quantities of their own liquid waste in anticipation of tonight's Pyramid Stage performance by Kanye West.

Some entrepreneurs have set up pop-up stalls selling pre-bottled piss at £2 per litre for those who have been unwilling or unable to save their own. Full story»

Obama looking smug
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Obama has enabled "crowd-funding" of the Muslim kidnapping industry. While he cannot change the law barring Americans from giving "material assistance" to terrorists — only Chief Justice John Roberts can do that — he can decline to enforce it, as though they were Mexican illegals.

He said hostage families "should never feel victimized by their own government," even when victimized by al-Qaeda. Unless they are high achievers or smokers. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights July 3


Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

Viral Videos ?
TBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

TV Highlights Readers Documentary
Discovery 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People who read the TV Highlights section.
No, you're not in it.
What, you think you're the only one who reads this crap?
Stupid narcissist.

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