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Saturday, March 25, 2017, 14:46:59 (UTC)

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Kevin Brady
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With the bill to repeal Obama-care in tatters, Trump and the Republican Party looked for fresh new beasts to slay.

The "American Health Reform Act" died on Friday, as Paul Ryan freed Congressmen to go to dinner rather than participate in a mortifying roll-call vote to count what Ryan had not. The Act, begun to replace a six-year campaign to "repeal" Obama-care with "repeal and replace," crumbled into "retreat and regroup." Full story»


Chuck Barris
PALISADES, New Jersey -- Chuck Barris has passed on at the age of 87. The creator of The Dating Game and The Newlywed Game suffered from failing eyesight and surely mistook last Saturday's obituary of Chuck Berry for his own, a prophecy that self-fulfilled almost immediately.

Berry was the rock-and-roll pioneer who rode a standard eight-bar blues format with tiny differences onto the Top Forty about 6 dozen times. His only television hit was The Jailbait Game. Full story»

Merkel und Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The House Intelligence Committee met on whether Donald Trump is making a damn fool of himself, after a Hawaii judge ruled that Trump already made such a damn fool of himself that one hardly need read the text of his Executive Order.

Trump has tweeted that "Obama 'wiretapped' me." In contrast, the New York Times reported that Russia had thrown the U.S. election, abetted by Trump, but the Times has evidence — any day now — that could explain why it knows what Trump says within seconds of him hanging up the phone. Full story»


Qe2a
LONDON, UK -- Her Majesty is still in the running for longest serving monarch in recorded history, in spite of the head start of some kings or queens who went straight from the high chair to the throne. Yet this supreme honor may still be snatched from her still mighty grasp.

Code words have been devised that will be whispered in ears throughout the realm to forestall the unseemly bawling and self-harm that break out in the less civilized countries upon the passing of the big cheese. Full story»

Enda Kenny joining Irish Travellers
DUBLIN, Ireland -- Enda Kenny has followed his official declaration to give legal minority status to Irish Travellers with a decision to become a member of that minority, saying it will help him administer his minority government.

Kenny already had a mobile phone and is acquiring a mobile home to get acquainted with other members of his adopted minority. He will travel all over Ireland, occasionally offering to repair pots and pans, and using travelling txt mssgng to stay in touch with government ministers. Full story»

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About UnNews
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights March 25


Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

Viral Videos ?
TBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

TV Highlights Readers Documentary
Discovery 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People who read the TV Highlights section.
No, you're not in it.
What, you think you're the only one who reads this crap?
Stupid narcissist.

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