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Wednesday, August 24, 2016, 18:00:59 (UTC)

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LONDON –– Social media deems MP Heather Wheeler’s British Empire remarks ‘politically incorrect’.

After the Empire's Olympic medal haul at the Rio Games broke a long-standing record, Conservative MP Heather Wheeler shared her joy on Twitter. Twitter users formed a bandwagon to condemn Wheelers comments as ‘anti-EU’. Full story»

HOLLYWOOD, California -- Amy Robach ignited a firestorm on Good Morning America for using the term "colored people."

She apologized to a traumatized nation: "I mistakenly said ‘colored people’ instead of ‘people of color,’" she insisted, which would have been very different. Full story»

DETROIT, Michigan -- Ford Motor Company has modified its self-driving-car project to concede that more than half the world's drivers will want a dashboard switch with which to set the self-driving car to emulate a woman driver.

Artificial intelligence will let it quickly decelerate from 70 mph to about 5 mph whenever there is an accident on the other side of an expressway, and the chance to catch a glimpse of limbless bodies and spurting blood, plus a special Attack Mode enabled when competing for empty parking spaces near malls. Full story»

John Hinckley
WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) John Hinckley, the man who tried to shoot Ronald Reagan, was spotted by the Daily Mail outside a Subway store near here.

The 61-year-old was freed from Mount St. Elsewhere on August 5 with no conditions on his release except that he have no contact with the Reagan family — which is unusually difficult, these days, in any case — but not barred from contact with fast food, despite the nation's "Let's Move" campaign. Full story»

PATUXET, Oranjeboom -- Angry townspeople are demanding that the Chief deport the religious extremists who talk about religious purity.

Tensions have been building ever since they arrived uninvited. Now their presence has lent strength to a campaign to replace the Chief with a new Big Chief Orange. Full story»

HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY, Illinois -- Hamburger-restaurant bosses will now have to punch time-clocks. President Obama has doubled the pay level where employees are guaranteed time-and-a-half for work over 40 hours.

One executive says he will simply convert their current salaries into an hourly rate, assuming they continue working 55 hours per week. Should they cut back to 40 hours, there are still many fine living arrangements for them, such as at Kampgrounds Of America. Full story»

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About UnNews
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights August 24

Panorama Investigates: Child Abduction Documentary
Channel 4 7:30 PM
One of the reporters goes undercover disguised as a guy being followed around by a camera man, sound man and director as he walks he speaks in a quiet voice into the microphone, to check out how a large, multinational company is supporting child abduction in an African country.

Countryfile Conservative style Entertainment
BBC 2 6:30 PM GMT
This week Matt and Sue are walking through the fields of some county up North no one has ever heard of in search of Gordon Brown's hiding place while John will be working out why the population in that area is rapidly decreasing due to a lack of jobs.

Doctor Who: The Return of the Plot from last week Sci-Fi
BBC 1 7:45 PM
Doctor Who goes in searc of some Time Lord money so that he can afford to pay for new writers to write different scripts for each episode. He goes hyperactive and can only display one emotion: insanity. His new assistant who is just there for her looks mentions "I wish David Tennant still played the Doctor" numerous times when confronted in not-very-scary situations.

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